Visit The Riverwalk

Get to Know Us

San Antonio is the seventh largest city in the United States in terms of population but ranks number one in terms of cost of living, history and heart. Conveniently located away from Austin, most visitors to San Antonio are Texans who like nothing more than throwing their kids and a .357 in the trunk for a quick getaway in America’s most famous landmark. San Antonio itself has its own government, managed by our fearlessly courageous Mayor Hamburger, who has a kind of William Wallace quality and leads us not into temptation, while continuing to deliver us from evil.

The drive to San Antonio is exciting from whichever direction you choose. On I-10 and I-35, you’re never more than two miles from a McDonalds, Jack In The Box or Subway. RV and camping parks make travel inexpensive, and gas is cheaper here than anywhere else in the whole country.

While many Americans are trying to buy tiny, unmanly cars like the hybrids, a True Texan gets a brand new F150 and immediately installs a toolbox in the back, instantly dragging the little gas pig down to single-digit miles-to-the-gallon. When you strap a fishing boat to the back of the whole thing, you can literally hear the oil wells running dry at 65 mph. It’s also possible to accidentally crush hybrids that get in the way and watch another Democrat wishing he’d bought a real car.

You can also fly into San Antonio International Airport, which features many amenities to impress overseas visitors. If you can’t find your way around the two-terminal facility, you can always ask one the volunteer Airport Ambassadors on hand to help you out. The Ambassadors were created in 2002 when a local care home closed down and a small army of seniors were dumped at the back entrance of the long term car park. Now, visitors delight in finding out where the nearest Starbucks is located, while being informed of half-true stories about World War II, canker sores and bad backs in the winter.

Zooming into San Antonio deeper and deeper, courtesy of the Google Maps internet site, you can see the Riverwalk at the heart of our thriving city. Much like a heart pumping blood around a body, the Riverwalk flows with history and character, but unlike a heart it won’t have an attack and kill its host. Extra pumps were installed in 1987 precisely because of this concern, which act like a pacemaker to bypass its cloggy arteries. The Riverwalk is drained and cleaned out every January, which is like removing its blood and turns out to be an excellent to treat minor heart problems.

The Riverwalk is a state park within the walled city of San Antonio. It too has its own government and budgetary system, and a unique set of liquor laws that throw the Open Container Law straight into the trash. Cops ride around the Riverwalk on boats, reaching top speeds of almost 15mph, ready to track down and arrest any potential evildoer. Alcohol consumption is also strictly enforced, with the sober being escorted back to their hotels after the 9pm curfew.

FACT: Chili was invented in San Antonio in the 18th Century and given to the rest of the world at the Chicago’s World Fair in 1893 in exchange for an easy-to-follow beer recipe.

Everything’s Bigger In Texas!

Including the reputations of its Presidents. More United States Presidents come from Texas that any other state, proving the integrity, character and intelligence of its fine people. Come to San Antonio for the biggest Texas welcome of all, directly to the Riverwalk where you’ll be greeted like a family member that sends expensive presents on the holidays! Avoid Austin, where you’ll feel like a kitten in a dog pound.