Our pick of this week’s Fiesta Events
As Fiesta looms on the San Antonio Riverwalk, VTR special events editor Tristan Tango selects his favorite events from the 100-year old festival.
After the annual disappointment of Contemporary Art Month, the Riverwalk dusts itself off and cleanses its memory of all the deadbeats purporting to create “art” instead of scaring small children. What better way to celebrate our local history than with the glorious Fiesta that takes place every April?
With such a packed schedule, to attend every event you’d have to be either a heavy drinker or Convention Visiting Bureau employee (not usually mutually exclusive), so here we select the highlights of the show, which transform the city from a series of bus stops with bars in the middle to a festive panarama of all kinds of unimaginable crap.
Battle of the Flowers Parade
One pissed flower.
The first flower battle took place in 1891 when the seasonal butterfly hatching got out of control and resulted in a fierce battle that left many plants uprooted and sap everywhere. Flowers, tired of their rights being violated by local insects, set to the streets and torched neighboring flower baskets, hedges and florists.
In memory of the countless daffodils and daisies that lost their lives, flowers honor their ancestors by reenacting the two-day war until every last petal is floating down the river.
Tickets are free, and doctors warn those with allergies to avoid the 2010 Pollen Afterparty.
River Art Show
Jesus Christ... likely to be in the festival.
As if CAM wasn’t enough, some of least talentless artists hopefully show up with their installations, funded by unemployment checks and probably some Federal stimulus money. Last year’s highlight was a model of two cellphone cameras pointing at each other while a strobe light took down any epileptics in the audience.
We’re told the the sheer quantity of coke snorted during CAM should make this year’s event truly special, and select members of the 210 Gang will be on hand to provide special samples to guests while Picasso and Rembrandt fans contemplate torching everything.
Tickets are $5 if the artists arrive on time. The dress code is forced perspective with a hint of post-Warhol.
NIOSA
Cheap beer and easy women
NIOSA, or Nothing I Otherwise Should Attend, is the golden pineapple atop the Costco fruit tray of Fiesta. Once the melon pieces and strawberries have been foraged earlier in the week, NIOSA represents a repeat culinary orgasm that has attendees gasping for breath and reaching for a cigarette. Showcasing all the food cuisines across the Riverwalk, street vendors provide both hot dogs and tacos, and there’s even talk of mini fajitas arriving this year.
Despite the wide array of local food, NIOSA is especially renowned for its wild party-like atmosphere, sponsored by Shining Bock, where revelers get piss-drunk, make out with each other and attempt to drive home before the bike cops catch up with them. This city-organized party originated in 1970, when it became apparent that most locals were too ugly or disinterested to possibly procreate, and only vast quantities of Bock could help boost the population.
NIOSA starts at 5pm or after anything else you have to attend and may not finish this year.
