Best of San Antonio (Riverwalk) Awards – Winners!
Visit The Riverwalk is proud to announce the results of this year’s historical Best of San Antonio (Riverwalk) Awards.
Despite the name change from Best of The Riverwalk after a legal challenge from Reno’s Riverwalk, voting numbers were at record highs. 130,000 San Antonians and Riverwalkers voted over a two-week period that left local schools without classrooms for days.
The BoSARA 2010 represents the best of the best of what the best of San Antonio has to offer. Each winner is symbolized as a sprinkle on top of the ice cream of the Riverwalk, served in the rich cone of San Antonio, eagerly held by its citizens.
BoSARA Winners 2010
Best Margarita – The Cardboard Cactus
A finalist in 2009, The Cardboard Cactus has wowed several guests this year. An all-well tequila blend, expertly bartended into a shaker and molested by sweet-and-sour from the soda gun, limes are sliced then shamed into garnishing this Happy Hour special. Customer service manager Jane Simon said they were “very excited” at “receiving” the 2010 BoSARA as long as it didn’t cost anything.
Best Riverboat Ride – Paseo Del Rio San Antonio
Given the enormous choice of operators on the San Antonio Riverwalk, it shows the quality of the operation when 100% of visitors choose the same company. With over 100 drivers, only some of which are batshit crazy, Pisseo del Rio is a boat trip run by seasoned professionals on a ship so tight that Summer Glau got stuck in one of the cracks and hasn’t been seen since August.
Best Local News Story – KSAT 210 Gang Coverage
On KSAT, bleeding isn’t enough for leading – the story practically has to be hemmoraging at the eyeballs, and KSAT’s non-stop gang violence and gun crime coverage in 2009 made The Passion of the Christ look like Elmo’s Guide to Building Your Own Crucifix. Taking our heads and slamming them repeatedly in the door of local news horror, KSAT has achieved the double-tap of scaring both parents and children. Rumor has it that the execution-style slaying of the Easter bunny will have us all gripped in April.
Best Jazz Bar – Cul Jizzum’s Jazzy Landing
After cheating death for almost two decades, Cul Jizzum continues to bring his nightly troupe to the great unwashed, blissfully unaware that his audience of Generation Facebook slacksters wouldn’t know Nat King Cole if he clawed his way from the grave and scooped out their brains for his army of the undead. The show will indeed be over when the fat lady sings, but fortunately the Mud Queen won’t be available until next January.
Street Most In Need of Removal – Losoya St
Spanish for “Shithole”, Losoya is home to a variety of dismal businesses and alcoholics. If you’ve never seen Losoya, it may be because it’s impossible to reach with a car, or if you’re on foot, you may have been murdered. Losoya narrowly squeaked out Houston St, which was last year’s finalist for demolition but received a stay of execution from then-Mayor Hamburger.
Best Place for Overnight Homeless Parking – Coyote Ugly
This new category only includes votes from the city’s homeless, who have often criticized the unreasonable parking rates that prevent them from sleeping in cars. The front door of Medusa, once a local favorite thanks to the stench of urine that came from potentially in or outside the building, has lost the crown of best nightspot-slash-restroom. Coyote Ugly is now the official hotel for the homeless, who said the improved view of seeing washed out crack-whores insulting customers was a major driver for its popularity.
Best Waste of Tax Dollars – Diagonal Street Crossing
City Manager Steve Gonzales was delighted to receive the 2010 BoSARA, after easily winning with last year’s “Million Dollar Spiral Restroom”. “Changing all the traffic lights into diagonal crossings took time,” he explains, “And money. Lots of it. We’re not even sure how much it cost.” Confident that voters recognized both the project’s lack of necessity and potential for budget overruns, Gonzales has sworn the 2011 award winner will be an even greater jaw-dropper. “You’re really going to question paying your taxes,” he promises.
