“Cash For Clunkers” on the Riverwalk
The world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk is famous around the world for many things, least of which is its new Cash For Clunkers program, enabling locals with fuel-inefficient vehicles to trade them in for a mildly new Riverboat. Although the Riverboat is provided without a driver and his world-famous tour that illuminates the history of the Riverwalk, many people who have traded in rusted old pimped-out pieces of crap have been extremely happy with their new mode of transport, especially since the Federal government has donated $3,500 towards their new purchase, leaving a shortfall of around $38.
The Fast and the Curious
Visit The Riverwalk visited the Rivertours Company del Rio to find out what the heart that pumped in the body of a Riverboat would look like. Walking into their sleek and futuristic corporate headquarters in a hollowed out cave under the Court House, owned Jay Buckley had the air of confident man who is capable of charming any fertile red-blooded female within fifty feet.
Much like the Riverboats he owns, a calm reliable exterior provides an easy hour’s worth of stimulating facts and entertainment, belying a wild, powerful interior that yearns to excite and surprise. After casually enjoying a glass of Johnny Walker Red Label and smoking a Cuban cigar, for which Mr Buckley has a Federal permit to legally enjoy thanks to his enormous contribution to society, he showed VTR staff around his maintenance facility. A graduate of Riverwalk Law School with magna-extra-cum-laude, he laughed and joked with our team while throwing the occasional eye contact with Maria, our 18 year-old intern who was about to have a life-changing experience.
With his powerful arms, he easily opened the large steel engine hatch to a new Riverboat, humming with pleasure as its engine idled, lubricating itself. The view was breath-taking. A V12 engine with the power of more than 800 large horses strapped together with titanium cable stared back at us, while beautiful women gathered around to admire it’s pistons pumping up and down in a slow rhythmical pattern, patiently waiting for the driver to put it into gear so it could thrust itself down the Riverwalk. Maria fainted from the emotional overload, too much for her tender young body, but Mr Buckley didn’t miss a beat in moving to catch her, and carried her back to his office while we were left to enjoy what was surely the most impressive machine ever crafted by the hand of man.
An American Revolution
Visit The Riverwalk interviewed a random selection of various people to take advantage of President Obama’s ”New Vehicle Deal”, which started earlier this month:
- Carlos Gonzales: known for his hotdog stand on Commerce and St Mary’s, Carlos traded in a 25-year old GM that was mainly used for producing smoke and smuggling medicinal marijuana into the country. “It make no smoke,” he proclaimed but with a caveat – “But it no going anywhere but Riverwalk. I no drive boat I want car.”
- Minky Frimble: an Austin native that saw the light and left her heathen town for the glorious Riverwalk, Minky is currently applying for her San Antonio RiverwalkCitizenship and has promised to renounce any faith to Austin. She has yet to understand the Clunkers program, but is nice enough anyway, although we’re concerned about her potential Austin-inspired tattoo-showing habits. She drives a Honda Prius.
- Father Pedro Gatos: a champion of the Riverwalk, Father Gatos has already condemned the Cash for Clunkers program into the seventh pit of hell. Known for his anti-gay/lesbian/single mother/non-Texan sermons, our Father who ain’t in heaven has given us seven days to turn in our rustbuckets before he trespasses against us and sermonizes us all into the next century.
All have reported an increase in phone calls from their friends and family, promotions at work, calls from casting agents, and an increased libido. Just this morning VTR Editor, Minton McKarkquey, received a phone call from Eva Longoria-Spurs after she found out about his new Riverboat.
