Celebrate Pride Month on the Riverwalk
San Antonians are proud of their city and apparently gay people are too, culminating in a competition this Saturday to see who exactly is more proud of the Riverwalk. We have heard from the organizers, Sandra Spear and Linda Shatner, two charming ladies with unnaturally short hair, that they intend to dye the river pink for the event, which is expected to attract 8,000 people.
We were curious to know how many gay people exist on the Riverwalk, but not “that” curious since everyone at this office is married with kids, and although we’d be kind of interested in experimenting once – and maybe even a little flattered – that ship has sailed, and my wife would just kill me and take the house and everything. I mean pride alone doesn’t pay the rent so let’s just leave it at that.
Local bars have been eager to sell seats river-side to this new annual event:
- Waxy O’Reilly’s will be offering Gay Guinness and Closet Carbombs.
- Slug Martini Lounge says “Bottoms Up” with Mary Margaritas, Diva Daiquiris and Marry-Me Martinis (not available in Texas).
- The Cardboard Cactus is having a ‘Tease Me Then Taste Me’ Taco lunch special, where guests have a choice of a soft or hard hot wrap for their half-pound of lean meat.
- Piatty’s Plastic Pizza House sent us an email titled ”Bi Too? Get One Free” which we didn’t understand.
The subsequent parade will feature floats being pulled down Commerce Street by – and I’m quoting the website description here, so don’t start writing complaint letters like last time – “tight little hard-bodies”. SAPD chief Pete Benson said they had taken advice from police departments who have experienced large groups of this kind of thing before, and said they would “crack down on questionable activity whether it be from L, G, B or T” (who’s B and T?). Bike cops will be wearing tight-fitting clothes during the whole of June to prevent any confusion that have a firearm on their belt, and they are definitely not just pleased to see you.
Also, be aware that the Craigslist website will be blocked from Texas for the month, despite a complaint from Mr Hernandez on Blanco Road who was intending to use the site to sell a sofa rather than employ erotic services while his wife, who has now lost her looks, plays Tuesday evening bingo with friends, unaware of the morally-ambiguous cravings consuming her husband in her absence.
San Antonio officially recognized gayness in 2003 when then-Mayor Hamburger lost the legal challenge to ban homosexuals from the Riverwalk. The Mayor relaxed his stance after admitting that he found lesbianism “intriguing” after spending several hours a day researching the issue on the Internet. Since then, the 99.99% of people who are unquestionably straight have been happy to adopt one token gay friend each, especially when accompanied by a minority person who they friend on Facebook immediately on sight, but don’t invite to barbecues on the really important national holidays.
Father George Beacon of the Riverwalk’s Baptist Church For The Saved said that while the church was happy to tolerate the “month long freak show”, it warned normal people not to be swayed by the demons that taunt the unsaved, and that a lifetime of suffering in the closet is a small price to avoid an eternity of damnation being poked by Satan’s fiery rods. Quoting directly from the old testament to prove his point using the words of God, our Father added: “it is easier for a needle to get through the eye of a camel than a gay marriage to happen in heaven”.
Riverwalk Pride Month happens every June, enabling gay and normal people to celebrate the most beloved Riverwalk in Texas. If anyone knows what LGBT stands for, please send us an electric mail since we tried looking it up on the computer and some of the sites were just mindblowing, especially before lunch. This has been the most stressful story we’ve ever covered and I frankly feel exhausted and confused. I never said this before but I’m not going to be around on the Riverwalk this week – ask Maria the intern if you need anything.
