"Court Rules on Riverwalk™ Trademark"™
Although so many other cities have tried to take the pathways next to their rivers and – by walking on them – transform them into a ‘Riverwalk’, only the San Antonio Riverwalk™ – world-famous from Oregon to Michigan – can truly be called The Riverwalk™.
This was the decision today from Judge Edmund Bumble, who is an avid visitor of our downtown aqua-attraction, and 40% owner of the Riverboat Rio Del Rio “Ride of Your Life”™ Service. Judge Bumble has fought over the years to retain the historic elements that make the Riverwalk™ so unique – he founded the Historical Association in 1992, which prevents any construction anywhere downtown, and in 1995 sought to imprison ‘horse and carriage’ operators for animal abuse and attempting to compete with riverboats. ”Hero” was one of the four-letter words that came to the mind of Mayor Hamburger when he heard about the landmark trademark ruling earlier.
The case has been hailed by local legal experts as the most important ruling since the foundation of the Constitution itself, much of which was itself created in Texas. The new Riverwalk™ logo, created by Dillard & Twiggens Architects and Designers, will incorporate the new trademark symbol (TM). The new branding is set for launch later this month, but we have obtained an exclusive preview of the fun, clean and forward-leaning logo here:
“Like a squirrel with a shotgun.”
Although many folk know Southerners for their bizarre analogies, Florida Governor Something Something described the Judge’s decision as “like a squirrel with a shotgun”, as our headline above aluded to. We have no idea what he means. But all around the country, Riverwalks are going from a ‘walk’ to a run in the race to find a new name – one that doesn’t infringe on our copyrights and trademarks.
Chicago’s former riverwalk will be renamed the “Batman Walk”, narrated by Christian Bale. In Hackensack, New Jersey, which everyone was shocked to learn had anything natural left, is in negotiations to install a nuclear power station rather than begin the costly renaming process. And the Detroit Riverwalk, sponsored by General Motors, hasn’t seen a tourist in over two years and intends to start charging rent to its drug dealers to raise revenue. Other minor Riverwalks have been issued cease and desist orders, leaving dry riverbeds and teary eyes, and the trail of confused and irate ducks stretches from coast to coast.
Now the decision has been made that the San Antonio Riverwalk is the one and only true Riverwalk, the City’s managers have taken a sigh of relief. “Everyone feels that it’s important to put this behind us,” said Bobby Helsing from the Manager’s office. “It’s time now to focus on how large the damages are from the illegal riverwalks around the country – this could be a big number.”
The city has already earmarked the expected $20 billion lawsuit winnings by commissioning a new statue for the North-East corner of the Riverwalk celebrating the life of Doug Hampton, the famous boat driver who dedicated his life to our river. Doug contracted Barge Disease in 2006, and his family wanted to combine his love of Riverwalking, narrating and contemporary metalwork. The construction of a 24-foot shiny metal cylinder will block ADA access on the north side of Navarro from 2010.
