CVB "Shamed" in New Riverwalk Org Chart
Mayor Castro today announced an overhaul of the complex Riverwalk organizational chart that has grown under the previous administration, which he called ‘colorful’ amongst other things. Although technically this is part of an effort to save an estimated $400 million from the city budget, the decision came after a long-running dispute between the largely drunk Convention & Visitors Bureau, Sea World, and a box of expired coupon books that offered 3-for-1 weekday nights at The Dreary.
The CVB has been planning its mission statement since its inception 14 years ago, while running up tabs worth over $5 million at Riverwalk bars. After the owners of Coyote Ugly filed a restraining order against some of the more questionable female workers, the Mayor was forced to take bold and decisive action in deciding boldly what action he should be forced to take.
In the new model, the main and most important Riverwalk organizations retain their prestigious stewardship over the world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk, and VisitTheRiverwalk.com inherits the expired box of coupons that will now report to our Tourism Bureau. Sea World, makers of smooth Bud Light and the owners of large animals that perform tricks, agreed to allow Shamu to report to the old people at the airport in exchange for being able to hire members of the 210 Gang for park security. The CVB is no longer managed by a bucket of tortilla flour but instead will report directly to the expired coupons box.
The CVB initially mounted a legal challenge to the changes but settled after realizing their legal fund had been depleted by nightly rounds of Jager shots. Mark Clapton, head of the CVB, said it was their stated goal to kind of finish their mission statement by around 2012, after which they would assist their new management in changing the dates on the expired coupons using a red felt pen and a packet of whiteout. Mayor Castro will be holding a Reeducation Session at the Riverwalk Freemasons Association building on Tuesday for any CVB employee not in compliance.
The Mayor also promised that The Spurs could eventually be promoted to “somewhere between” the Historical Association and the City Council, provided they replace their current coach with a used sock puppet before the next season. There has been enormous pressure from locals to see The Spurs return to triumphant victory, and repeat their Winners Parade on the Riverwalk, where locals were able to bask in the beauty of Eva Longoria-Spurs and her husband who provides the talent in their family.
To receive your free pack of expired coupons, contact the San Antonio Conventioning & Visitors Bureau that operates inside a box outside the Hyatt or in the front patio of Waxy O’Reilly’s after lunchtime.
