International Jazz Day at Cul Jizzum's Landing.
San Antonio is world famous for its Jazz musicians, many of whom have sprouted from the humble corners of the Riverwalk, begging for change while impersonating Genuine Mariachis™. The Riverwalk provides an artistic inspirational cushion of musical truth like no other stretch of water throughout the country, and even the whole of Austin agrees that their tenuous claim as “Live music capital of the world” excludes this magical zone of artism and flare, also known as the world famous San Antonio Riverwalk.
Music in San Antonio comes in two flavors, both R and B, where R stands for Real Country and B stands for Jazz. One of the jazz epicenters of the cultural quake comes from the unique auditory G-spot near the Hilton Hotel, known as Cul Jizzum’s Jazz Landing (sponsored by the Hard Rock Doublestacker Jazz Burger, sponsored by Aerosmith). Cul and friends have been pumping out the same tunes every night since 1945, the night after one of the World Wars ended. Long-time bartender Mitch McCreary explains it as “like Groundhog Day for jazz”.
The show starts every day at 7.30pm, wowing audiences from all over the Riverwalk, and features legendary Riverwalk legends:
- Cul Jizzum: described by Rolling Stone as San Antonio’s only hope on the musical map, Cul had his left thumb and right testicle blown off during a tour of duty in his native Ireland when a stray firework at a paddy-flinging contest apparently targeted his unmentionables. His guitar has been specially adapted to restrict the notes to 40% of the original range.
- Pedro “Piano Fingers” “Fingers”: Pedro is known for his elaborate and often dangerous work on the drums, where he has reach a mind-expanding peak of 3 beats per second. Fast enough on the triangle to freak out a hummingbird on ecstacy, Fingers still believes it’s 1962 and is saving his tips for a one-way trip on Concorde, though where to we’ll never know.
- Timmy “Tiny” von Fagen: “There’s no vocalist like Timmy,” concluded The Washington Times in their piece on jazz in tinpot-yet-self-righteous regional towns. Renowned for his Beegee-like pitch and his frankly alarming range, Tiny frequently sits on the piano so even those at the back of the room get a good view. Following his fall is 1993, however, he is now suspended from a crane in the middle of the stage, where he can gently swing back and forth during the slow numbers, of which there are many.
- “T”: the newest member of the band joined in 1999, after a successful career as a play-wrestler and then an acting gig in a popular terrible TV show. T says he “pities the fool and loves kids”, spending his disposable income on an estimated 1 metric ton of gold that has been installed permanently around his neck. He refuses to tour with the band due to a fear of flying, and advises against the hamburgers served at the club.
Cul Jizzum’s prides itself on playing the same set every night to give new tourists the guaranteed same experience every single time. Consequently, the one hour show can be enjoy in 10-minute segments if you arrive at 7:30pm, 7:40pm and 10-minute increments for six days. Many tourists have recommended the Happy Hour next door before subjecting themselves to Jizzum.
This week is International Jazz Day for one day only. Cul Jizzum will be featuring the same set but with guest singer, The Frank Sinatra Tribute Guy. Cover is $5 on the door, or free if paid in advance on their website.
