Mayor Hamburger: a look back at SA's favorite politician
Author of “Fool Me Once” and 30-year Mayor of the Riverwalk, Ted Hamburger brought both heart and soul to the San Antonio Riverwalk. Teresa Frimble reports.
Mixed feelings were once what followed Downtown’s head politican and self-proclaimed “King Of The People”, Ted Hamburger, but 30 years of his wise and prestigeous rule are coming to an end, and where feelings once were are now only thoughts and prayers, mixed with mixed feelings.
Senility was long-expected to take Hamburger, who was rushed into psychiatric care after asking a Liberty Bar server, “Don’t you know who I am?”. Servers, usually practiced in Heimlich Maneuvers rather than Alzheimer Treatment Care, tried to remind the Mayor who he was but to no avail. Tommy Lee Jones had had a similar memory failure only months before, and concern over the Mayor’s identity triggered a city-wide crisis and a popular brand of T-shirt.
Hamburger: A few fries short of a Happy Meal?
Hamburger successfully avoided the Vietnam conflict and joined the politician life during the failed campaign to remove the ‘X’ from Bexar county, which he described as “just plain silly”. He successfully destroyed his opposition in a 1992 Tequila-shot contest, which saw Democrat Donny Henson forget his last name and accidentally vote for the wrong side. After a brief spell as Chief Tax Collector, he was forced to resign after $15 million went missing at the same time a new wing was constructed on the Hamburger House in Castle Hills.
But his love has always been for San Antonio, and the Riverwalk, which he claimed as an “aquatic vision of beauty for all San Antonians, even the illegal ones”. He was instrumental in the selection of the Riverboat design, which was modeled after a cookie pan, and campaigned tirelessly to have the Spurs play on a glass-bottomed basketball court touring the river.
Despite his achievements, fears grew about his mental health in 2006, when he was frequently seen wearing empty Kleenex boxes for shoes, and accused the Masons of colluding with Mexicans to take back 1604. He recently claimed his biggest hero was Howard Hughes, and insisted that he had planned to circumnavigate San Antonio with Eva Longoria-Parker in a blimp refitted to look like Shinia Twain’s brassiere.
Finally, concerned city councilmen sought an injunction that seeked to injunct the Riverwalk Mayor and sought to seek a new local election. After being injuncted, Hamburger promised to pursue his life ambition of driving a Riverboat but was last seen attempting to buy ground turkey at the non-retail HEB headquarters just south of the city.
Response to Hamburger’s Meltdown has been widespread. ”Always a renegade, always a hero, Jimmy was an inspiration to us all and a great lover too,” said Carlos Guitterez, Head of the Riverwalk Rainbow Coalition. Mimi Genero added ”‘I’ll always remember Jimmy riding a golf cart around the Riverwalk while trying to reenact the Alamo.” Mayor Hamburger was sorely missed in the few minutes he was unmayored, and he has promised to stand again, “filling the Riverwalk with the blood of the non-believers”.
