Memorial Day Arts & Crafts Show – "Great Success"
Visitors turned out in record numbers on the world famous San Antonio Riverwalk (sponsored by Crown Light Beer) for the Memorial Day Arts & Crafts Event (sponsored by Jose Curvez Tequila). In its 13th successful year, and possibly the unluckiest for numerologists, over a dozen vendors laid out their wares for visitors and locals to pick over. Madeline Moriarty, a necklace maker from the King William District, brought 20 of her most popular designs, some of which were nearly sold within minutes. “Big and chunky is the most popular design that nearly gets bought,” she describes, while showing off a string of big pebbles she had recently made. Mrs Moriarty paid $300 for her space at the show, and only needed to sell 230 necklaces to break-even, though if some buyers are generous on the 20 she brought, she may half her losses. Event organizers confirmed that this was the most popular year to date for nearly buying things, noting that the credit card machine was almost used a least twice, a 100% increase on last year.
“A Garage Sale on Steroids.”
Resident Mayor Hamburger was unable to attend the event due to other commitments at The Tiger & Triffid English Pub, but gave his support via a stray Tweet that was presumed to described this public showing of all the talent in San Antonio. And it must have been more hemorrhoids than steroids this year, given the wide variety of items available, including:
- A license plate in the shape of a cowboy boot made out of recycled wool.
- A chromium toilet seat in the shape of the Texas state, with an attachment to make the flushed water flow in the shape of the Riverwalk.
- Prints of prints of local paintings of prints by local artist and printer Shiela Von Sheebles, including a rare picture of the Alamo at sunset.
- Small jars of Riverwalk water, provided by the Riverwalk’s priest and converter of the unsaved, Jesse Michaels – personally blessed and approved for healing sores.
- Candles shaped like Tower of the Americas, inspired by the 1976 fire that made the Tower of the Americas look like a candle.
Armed with $25 and primed by 45 minutes at the Mad Dick’s Happy Hour, Visit The Riverwalk staff inspected all the paraphanalia to find our “VTR Purchase Of The Year”. We finally settled on this rare necklace, created by Riverwalk Veteran Helen Shrivell, who was gracious enough to promise a full refund when unfortunately the string broke and two stones disappeared in a cattle grid at the front of the building. Visit The Riverwalk wrote the rest of this article at the Las Mansionas’ Champagne Brunch after a fight broke out, which is described later in this piece.
Battle Of The Sponsors.
The city approved two sponsors for this year’s Arts & Craft’s Show, since the event has grown to nearly 13 vendors, but things started to get ugly by midday when Crown Light and Jose Curvez’s long term dispute spilled over into a full-on sponsor brawl. Crown Light, with its cool, clean and crisp flavor, upped the ante by insisting that Jose’s Curvez, famous for its smooth aftertaste, somehow was an illegitimate child of a fatherless family. After a few insults were traded, largely focusing on the sexual looseness of each other’s maternal figures, the two sponsors started throwing pens and T-shirts at each other. At one point, an entire list of visitors’ emails was on fire, which was swiftly extinguished by Gmail and Yahoo.
Several craft stalls were trashed in the ensuing brawl, which saw bottles of beer and tequila being thrown across the room, with no respect for their great flavor. After the total demolition of a table selling powdered peanuts and turkey-flavored salsa, police were called to settle the dispute. Bicycle cops ordered both sponsors onto the Riverwalk and ordered a mandatory “taste off” to find out which sponsor was the victor, and which had to admit its embarrassing family secrets. Crowds gathered, and after several cases of beer and hundreds of shots, it was democratically decided that Jose Curvez was victorious, and was allowed to ceremonially – and literally – push Crown Light into the oncoming path of a refueling riverboat.
The event raised $3,600 in vendor fees, which will be used to promote next year’s event in poorer neighborhoods. For more information, visit the event’s computer on a website.
