Menace of Mobile Food Trucks Threatens Riverwalk
Described as the “time to take action” by one Riverwalk restaurateur, September is no longer a month punctuated by questionable holidays and stock market crashes, thanks to the constant and insidious growth of mobile food trucks around San Antonio.
The idea – basically putting a kitchen in a truck and driving it around – isn’t new, having plagued downtown residents for years. Herman’s Taco Truck became notorious in the 1990s for driving off after collecting customers’ money. Even the City took action, an event so uncommon it was immortalized by photographers in the local newspapers, and Herman was eventually forced to retreat to Austin, where these kinds of shenanigans are tolerated by the hipster potheads who live there.
“Stop cooking our kids.”
Riverwalk restaurants owners are so concerned about the correlation between the number of mobile food trucks and blessed children going missing, that they started a grass-roots campaign called “Stop Cooking Our Kids”.
As the scientific graph shows, the only children who went missing prior to the food truck invasion tended to join the 210 Gang. The city almost considered changing the area code to disband the increasingly large group of kids on buses, and then the crisis was overshadowed by the truck epidemic.
“Stop Cooking Our Kids” has developed a 5-point leaflet for tourists, warning them not to visit these wheeled kitchens of evil:
- The only health inspection is done by Jiffy Lube and that’s only every 3,000 miles. Just because they get their carpets vacuumed and air filters checked doesn’t mean that the cooks are washing their hands.
- Your waiter may never come with your check. If you think waiting at Paeseno’s 30 minutes to get a check is bad, imagine what happens when the waiter drives home for the night.
- Is it right for children to be cooked in your food rather than getting drunk in Medusa? Obviously not, and you should be ashamed for asking.
- Do you know where your food came from? Yes, you do – kids. See point 3.
- Do they offer views of the world-famous Riverwalk? Sometimes, depending on where they’re parked. But not always.
He did what?
Renowned chef and heretofore local culinary hero Andrew Wiseass, captain of the tiny Sandbank restaurant, is reputated to be opening at least 3 trucks. San Antonio’s third most-famous celebrity, next to Tommy Lee Jones and Summer Glau, has fallen from favor with Riverwalk associations for this gross lapse in judgment, and will be reminded the next time we eat at Le Revve.
Except now we can’t find Le Revve when we tried to tell him, since he’s put the damn thing on a truck. We searched all over 281 and 1604 and were forced to several non-Riverwalk Happy Hours in the process.
The Disturbing Food Truck Trend
Rio Del Rio, the long-term riverboat company that provides educational and spiritual tours of the Riverwalk, announced last week that they too would be “going mobile”.
The first riverboat to be mounted on the chassis of an F-150 toured earlier this week, driving guests on street level for the first time. As if this weren’t insult to injury enough, the final band-aid was a direct poke in the eye to the Riverwalk when they stoppped for a burger at a mobile food truck.
“What’s next?” said an exasperated Conventions & Visitors Bureau chief, who has recently joined forces with Visit The Riverwalk on this very issue. “Soon everyone will be moving their businesses to a truck and you won’t even be able to find the Riverwalk.”
There are growing concerns that hotels like The Dreary, featuring their exclusive Uncomfortable Night Guarantee®, may also start moving hotel rooms onto trucks, adding to the discomfort of their beds and fixtures with late-night drives through potholes.
Before long, San Antonio may become one big traveling town of hotels, restaurants and Riverboats on trucks. Sadly, in some distant future, you will not need to Visit The Riverwalk – the Riverwalk will visit you.
Pledge your support today and stop the truck madness tomorrow, or later this afternoon.