New "Ghosts of the Riverwalk" Tour
The world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk has long been world-famous not only for its margarita specials but also the ghosts that continue to haunt visitors. While many San Antonians love the Riverwalk so much that they literally think they’ve died and gone to heaven, for less fortunate San Antonians who actually have died, their spirits have become trapped somewhere between the Alamo and the Riverwalk Ray’s Discount T-Shirt Emporium.
Mike Martinez, a long term native San Antonian Riverwalker, has researched stories of the the undead that plague our city. “The first one I saw was just a drunk Mexican guy hiding under a bridge, and I was all like ‘Dawg!’ but all the others have been real ghosts,” he confirms, providing the first real living proof, if proof be need be, of life after death as a ghost. “It’s like that movie Beetlejuice - they’re like totally dead but can’t get off the Riverwalk. It sucks man.”
Through extensive days of research, and certification through the prestigious Texan Ghost Associaton™, Mike has compressed his tens of hours of ghost knowledge into a 3-hour ghost tour for visitors. The $15 ticket is backed by his ‘ghost guarantee’, which provides a refund for visitors if nobody in the group sees a ghost. Recent ghost tour participant Brad Gibson from some hippie state on the West coast, praised Mike’s enthusiasm: “He was pointing to this ghost every few minutes but we didn’t see it. I guess we don’t get a refund but that dude is seriously seeing sh**”.
To book for his twice-nightly Riverwalk tour that runs at 10pm and the witching hour, you can find Mike at a table outside Starbucks, where he feeds the birds and provides temporary tattoos during the day. More details of this authentic ghost tour, available only on the world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk, appear below.
Mike’s Ghost Tours of The San Antonio Riverwalk
Don’t forget to bring hiking boots, an umbrella, a rain stick, a flashlight, a small bag, your favorite Monopoly piece, a picture of a dead relative (while they were alive), a camera, and a signed release form. Meet at 10pm daily and don’t tell anyone. Complete the following tie-breaker in 10 words or less: “San Antonio Riverwalk Ghost Tour….”
- Includes full project debrief and clips of the scary parts of Ghostbusters.
- Group sings the Ghostbusters theme tune before starting.
- All stories are told with Mike holding a flashlight under his face.
Your $15 ticket includes all 5 of these authentic Riverwalk Ghost stories:
- The ‘Hard Rock’ Hobo – the homeless Mexican man stalks the Hard Rock Eatery asking for change for a bus.
- Riverwalk Rita – the blind latina who appears if you say her name three times into an empty margarita glass and then gouges out your eyes (NB: you MUST provide a signed release form to participate).
- The Wounded War Hero – crazy Sam walks around in a 10 Gallon hat and cowboy boots, reliving tales of Texas past while making inappropriate racial slurs if he likes the audience.
- Annie the Ax Demon – walks around the Riverwalk with an ax, asking random strangers where her baby has gone, before hacking them to death with the sharp end of an upturned table umbrella.
- The Murdurous Mariachi – as if the plague of unlicensed Mariachi bands wasn’t enough, hear about the ghost Mariachi band that will follow you back to your hotel room and won’t stop until you give them a dollar.
Each participant receives an exclusive copy of Mike’s self-published book Ghosts of San Antonio: Is there any more boring place to be stuck for an eternity apart from if you died 100 feet away in the convention center during a Star Trek convention?
Don’t forget about the GHOST GUARANTEE! Mike personally guarantees a refund if nobody sees a ghost (including Mike). Book early! Strictly no refunds.