Not for nothing is San Antonio’s reputation for nightlife second-to-none except Austin during South By Southwest. There’s so much to do here, especially if you like alcohol, that two days can never be enough, though a week is probably too long. We’ve added genuine visitor comments to help you make your decision among the 10 things to do in our beautiful city.
The Cardboard Cactus – Mexican Cuisine (Sponsored Result)
Asstec Building Retail Area, Riverwalk – Restaurant
Although Mexican food is the easiest in the world to cook, blending heart-stopping quantities of queso with corn-based products and calling it a cuisine, The Cardboard Cactus shows how laziness and disdain are vital co-ingredients with spoiled food if you really want to spend the next 24 hours with your head in a toilet bowl. Chef Mike Pottero says “it’s a honor to run an entire nation’s food into the ground – I won’t rest until I get every dish completely wrong.” Front of house Manager, Anna Marianna, can usually be seen slumping at the hostess stand making threatening faces at passers by: “During last summer, our tips crept up to over 10%, so I knew we weren’t putting enough effort into making our customers wish they were somewhere else. I’m happy to report this has been rectified.”
12121 Alamo Plaza, San Antonio. 210-555-1076 – Nightlife
Ever wanted to heckle two musicians while blazing drunk? Now is your chance to sink the world famous 8 oz of rum drink called The Hurricane, which has put more tourists in jail than the celebrated underaged hooker sting of 1994. Getting service is challenging but all part of the fun, and this three-time winner of the San Antonio Biggest Hygeine Hazard Award sits proudly opposite the Alamo, entertaining the ghosts of yesteryear with hourly performances of Piano Man and American Pie, two of the main songs they know.
“I watched a Mexican guy rip the urinal right off the wall and put it into the toilet. I’ve never seen that before.” Frank, Virginia.
The Riverwalk, San Antonio. 210-555-1972 - Nightlife
In Disney’s Pleasure Island, it was New Year’s Eve every night – in San Antonio, not only does the town look like time stood still in 1982, but at Polly Esther’s it actually did. Get out your white jackets and big hair for a wild night out, prepare for some STD action San Antonio Style, and watch out for those goth guys who paint their faces like they’re from The Crow! It’s the coolest place to hang out for real tourists.
“Although I don’t usually pay for sex, San Antonio prices were very reasonable, and the quality was there.” Dave, New Jersey.
141 West Crockett, No 205 (off Riverwalk) San Antonio. 210-176-1005 - Nightlife
San Antonio is famous for it’s “do what it says on the tin” naming conventions -Slug Martini, Drink Cocktail Bar, and Sip Coffee Lounge. Graciously accounting for the sub-average IQ of the population by keeping things simple, Slug offers martinis in a 1940s vintage environment. Recently encouraged to serve black people, and currently considering if Asians should be served at all, Slug mixes good ole’ fashioned southern racism with New York prices.
“Slug is a best pick-up joint in town with one of the lowest numbers of hookers,” TripAdvisor Comment.
214 W. Crockett, (off Riverwalk) San Antonio 210-10101-01011010 (binary callers only)- Nightlife
Catering to people who came from a big city or like to pretend they’re important in a big city, Solo has found its niche for picky cheap patrons who lament when Texas lost to Mexico. Women who like to be stared at by men who are too scared to buy them drinks will love this quiet spot, where customers are so rare everyone gets a photo and the liquor pour is so light you can safely drink and drive.
“I circled the block four times and I still don’t know where it is. Where the hell is this place?” Lost from Kentucky.
203 North Presa St, (off Riverwalk) San Antonio 210-555-9295 - Nightlife
San Antonio caters to all ages and types, and for under 21s normally refused service in other establishments, Meds USA is happy to offer you a quiet place to get trash on Negro Modelo. Friday and Saturday are Fake ID Night, where the most impressive usage of Photoshop or just a razor and sticky tape are rewarded with prizes of up to $10. Pretty girls drink free, but hazy recollections of being gangbanged in the men’s bathroom have not been substantiated.
“I got banged up good at Med USA. OMG best night evar,” @KTG via Twitter
340 E Commerce St, (off Riverwalk) San Antonio 210-555-5634 - Nightlife
Using as a practice bar for authorities exercising liquor enforcement raids, Sky is like a terminal relative who rambles about the pain but just refuses to move on into the next world. Their Kirkland Signature Martini is just fabulous, combining sensible spending and rubbing alcohol in one single move. They share restrooms with On The Half Shell next door, so most patrons have one drink to avoid the cover where the cool bands play. If you’ve never felt violent towards a bartender, try Sky Bar – you’ll be reaching over the bar with a hand clenched around a roll of quarters and throwing glasses things in no time!
Vine Fine Wine & Dine Line
220 N Presa St, (off Riverwalk) San Antonio 210-555-2900
San Antonio is a town of lawyers, and when they’re not suing each other and writing expensive letters, they’re deposing clients at Zinc over $200 bottles of French Cab. Hang with San Antonio’s social elite and old people, negotiate illegal deals with city managers and find out why the Chamber of Commerce staff are permanently drunk. Surly and pretentious, Zinc offers a slice of the big city and has a good pizza place opposite that hasn’t been shut down in 3 months or so.
“I knocked over a drink and got sued,” Samantha, Dallas.
Seamus McCarBomb’s Irish Pub
The Riverwalk, San Antonio 210-129-9562
Irish people are famous for their warm hospitality and amateur terrorism, and Seamus’ shows us why Irish food has never been popular outside its fair land. Offering a wide variety of mashed potato and fried things, you’ll be doing British impersonations after just a couple of ales and some fish and chips, guv’nor! Everyone who works here imported, just like the beer, and hopefully they’re legal, though we’re not as bothered by illegal Europeans as illegal Mexicans in San Antonio!