Nutritional Fight Spills Over Into Riverwalk
San Antonio has been a culinary center since its establishment in 1922. But the FDA’s campaign to ban transfats has forced Nutrional Facts labels to be added to all taxis, hotels and riverboats within walking distance of Pat O’Brien’s. Science editor Maria Frimble reports.
The world famous Riverwalk is finally being Obamatized by the the FDA, and being forced to slap warning labels on most of its products. Several agencies have been critized in recent weeks for what’s seen as an extreme ‘Nanny state’ move to add warning signs to everything. Ashton Kutcher was the most recent critic, when his TV show Punk’d was instructed to place signs reading “You are being Punk’d” during any filming: “The sign really screwed the show – except for the one with Paula Abdul who can’t read.” And New York’s Mayor Bloomberg last week lost the fight for “You can’t afford to live here” placards to be removed from the city’s so-called ‘JFK’ airport. The City of San Antonio Food Chief said she was saddened that the administration’s labeling frenzy had now reached the Riverwalk and intended to ask for a raise.
The Convention & Visitor’s Bureau has scrambled in recent weeks to organize the new labels, which must be added to all public eateries, bars and Riverboats by midnight on February 3, 2010. One CVB official said the team has been so busy that the usual bullshit monthly reports will be late or fabricated – or both – and they hadn’t seen the hungover side of a Happy Hour in several days, a problem they hope to fix by Feb 3. He added that in the cold light of day, he had no idea why he was hitting on their Vice President, who has a face like an overcooked taco with Walmart lip-gloss attached to an iPhone.
In producing the labels, the city has had to estimate the overall nutritional impact of an average 4-day world-famous Riverwalk vacation, including exercise on the Riverboat Tour and the possibility of some kind of festival. But crisis almost derailed the project at the last moment, threatening its status as the only city venture in history to be completed on time, when a Federal court injunction prevented the CVB from applying their trademark ‘magic math’. Saving the day, local Riverwalk science teacher Mr Stuckey offered the help of his kids and enthused fifth-graders were pulled off their pterodactyl drawing assignment and helped fill in the blanks that were beyond the sober capabilities of tourism officials.
The new labels, blessed by both the Health Department and the Mayor, can be seen on all bars, restaurants and active Riverboats in the downtown area. Despite the approximate 1.8 PetaJoules of energy consumed by the average visitor, the most pertinent warning is that the Riverwalk contains nuts, and reading Ron Bechtol’s column may cause diarrhoea.
