Obama: "Riverwalk to Lead US Out of Recession"
While it’s long been known that the world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk has friends in high places, from Sandra Bullock and Summer Glau to the new owner of El Pollo Loco and the Hispanic guy from Deal Or No Deal, the Riverwalk is proud to welcome the President of the United States to its address book. Though the Riverwalk has a very tight circle of Christmas card recipients, and refuses to partake in the PC-driven Seasons Greetings nonsense, we suspect that President Obama might be in line to receive one of those cards that plays a Jimmy Buffet song when you open it.
So what has driven our fearless leader into the gentle embrace of the beloved Riverwalk? Having been spurned by many of the people he considered friends for failing to use his charisma to lift the world out of recession and not rebuilding the nation’s healthcare system in the last month, one of his advisers received a study from a self-proclaimed ‘Think Tank’ that was taking a break from shelling evildoers . The study’s conclusion clearly shows San Antonio ranking #1 in a range of a different socio-economical statistical metricals:
- #1 in obesity and #1 in heart bypass surgery.
- #1 in teenage pregnancy and Grand Theft Auto.
- #1 in the lowest rate of incremental housing foreclosure deltas (?)
- #1 in adult illiteracy programs and alcohol abuse.
Individually, each of these achievements would be enough to expect a nod from the White House or a note from the Vice President (the last of which from Joe Biden was initially confused with a diary entry from the Zodiac killer). Yet in combining these statistics, the study shows the nation can lower teenage pregnancy by increasing illiteracy and having more cars stolen, which in turn lowers DUI incidents providing more time waiting for heart surgery while enjoying a Riverwalk happy hour.
President Obama, one of the smartest leaders in the last decade, immediately recognized that the Riverwalk will be the one thing that jumps in front of the runaway economic freight train, driven by the ego-maniacal Henry Paulson, the last henchman of the Bush administration that has since retreated to a hollowed-out volcano near Hawaii. The Riverwalk, most likely using its heels on the tracks to slow down the out-of-control locomotive, could potentially save a Riverboat full of startled tourists in its deadly path. Since the narrowly avoided catastrophe, the President’s spokesman called the Riverwalk “an American hero”, and Visit The Riverwalk is proud to present the federal government with a searchlight that shines a riverboat into the night sky, for use the next time Goldman Sachs tries to destroy the economy.
As San Antonio continues to enjoy the lowest legal unemployment rate in the country, President Obama correctly identifies the Riverwalk as an economic source of inspiration, and is rumored to be considering a Riverwalk National Holiday on the calendar to coincide with a planned furlough for Federal employees. When he visits San Antonio next month, Air Force One will be landing at Lackland Airforce Base, and the Presidential motorcade will be replaced by a riverboat procession, using the same disused boats that parade the Spurs around in victory.
