Pirate Riverboat Attacks "Reduced", Claims Pirate
The San Antonio Riverwalk is famous, even globally, for its riverboats. Riverboats have been a Riverwalk fixture ever since 1931, when the legalization of floating machines led to a loophole in the federal Prohibition laws. When locals discovered the ability to drink on any sinking-averse device, the river became a floating city of rafts of every shape and size, full of alcoholic San Antonians laughing in the face of police officers who sat powerless on the side of the river.
As demand for buoyant materials exceeded supply, industrious Texans bought lifejackets, enabling them to drift around the Riverwalk with a bottle of moonshine in one hand and a whistle in the other. In later years, this law-avoiding tactic developed into the phenomenon of tubing, and in 1972, San Antonio introduced legislation that outlawed boating and tubing, but legalized drinking thanks to a typo made by an intern in the State Capitol.
Since the downturn of the economy in places outside of the Riverwalk, many people – especially those from Austin – have started attacking vessels as a way to make additional IRS-resistant revenue. The first example of Riverwalk piracy occurred in January 2007, when a drunk 25-year-old white male leapt onto a Riverboat and pushed the legitimate driver into the water. Exciting the passengers by accelerating up to 6 miles per hour, he attempted to demand cash though most passengers thought it was part of the regular driver’s tip speech. Although he gave up and escaped with only the regular $40-per-ride tips, pirates have since refined the strategy and are estimated to make almost as much as mariachis.
Pirates of the Riverwalk
Riverboat drivers have introduced defensive tactics to prevent their vessels being boarded. Drivers now use their cell phones to ‘check in’ every 5 minutes to inform Riverboats Del Rio that they have not been boarded. Although passengers find the interruption somewhat unnatural, and an extra 200 people have been hired to handle the additional phone calls, the strategy seemed to stop many attempts at piracy. However, pirates were quick to realize that they could mimic the calls, and every single recent piracy attempt was undetected due to the call pattern being maintained, and pirates relish the opportunity to make the calls and ridicule the operators.
Although chances of piracy are relatively low, especially when compared to the probability of being harassed by Irish dancing teams, visitors who have been forced to ‘walk the plank’ have actually enjoyed the experience. One TripAdvice review concluded: “The riverboat driver was boring us to tears until the pirate leapt onto the boat and ejected him into the water. The dull, droning stories were instantly replaced with hip-hop music and dirty jokes, and for the first time in the ride we felt wind in our hair. Yes he was demanding five bucks from each of us but most people tipped him ten and offered to buy him a beer at Mad Dick’s. Really quite great. Nice guy too.” Attendance on Riverboats has increased 25% since the introduction of pirates, and Riverboats Del Rio have changed the uniform to be more ‘pirate-like’.
Police have issued warnings not to tip the pirates and are threatening to arrest all visitors who are seen laughing at their jokes. If you are interested in joining the Riverwalk Pirates Union, please board a riverboat and await the pirate’s instructions.
