Police seek river thieves
Police are following leads to the sudden disappearance of all the water on San Antonio’s Riverwalk early last week. Sources have confirmed that no ransom note has been found and SAPD is stumped at the motivation for stealing the river. The situation is particularly embarrassing following the same crime last year, and Police Commissioner Mencia believes this may be part of an annual serial kidnapping.
The local impact of the theft has been huge, with riverboat drivers waiting in local bars for news of when they can return to work. 35 guests booked on a 5:30pm departure from Friday are still waiting for their tour, with many extending their stays to experience what TripAdvisor.com calls “the most significant audio tour in the contiguous United States”. As usual, local tourism sites have attempted to make lemons out of lemonade with an alleged “Mud Festival” to explain the missing river, which many true San Antonians feel is like having a vegetarian salad on 9/11.
Rio knew Baggage Charge “Bad Idea”
VisitTheRiverwalk.com’s investigative journalist, Michelle Phan, has indicated a possible link between the theft of the river and a new baggage charge imposed by Riverboat owner Rio Del Paseo Rio. Charging $25 for the first bag and $15 the second, the policy was immediately unpopular with thousands who had paid $6.95 for their Constitutionally-guaranteed tour of the river. Phan theorizes that thieves are drawing attention to the new rules, which have caused a 47% increase in city revenue.
RDPR denies any link and has confirmed that new 3D airport security scanners will be installed to pre-screen all river guests, inspired by the popular movie Avatar.
If you have any leads regarding the theft of the river, please contact the SAPD bike division by riding up close to them or writing your lead on a piece of paper folded into a plane.
