Riverwalk 3D now available on Nintendo Wii
The most common feedback from visitors to the world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk is that they want to take a piece of the Riverwalk with them. Not satisfied with the life-long memories it provides, which outrank the majority of first weddings and children’s births as being “Best Experience” in surveys, tourists are practically foaming at the mouth to find a way to keep their personal Riverwalk alive when they return to whichever dismal town they came from.
Riverwalk police have been on alert in the last few months as many visitors have taken their obsession to an extreme. One recent guest from a Riverwalk-less dirt hole in Illinois attempted to dig up one of the paving slabs using stolen cutlery from The Cardboard Cactus. “We caught him asking wait staff to help him load it into a shopping cart but he tipped badly they called us,” said local Sherriff Pedro Lopez. “Since then we have nightly patrols to make sure all the Riverwalk is still there.” SAPD has also launched a campaign called ‘Take Nothing But Pictures Or Go To Jail’ to remind people that if they want to steal property, they should head for the West Side instead.
Cutting-Edge Software “Captures Riverwalk Experience”.
Faced with the epidemic of thieving tourists attempting to dismantle the Riverwalk piece by piece, local software company Virtual Alamo has devised a game that seeks to recreate the Riverwalk experience. Project Manager Missy Mayhew described the year-long venture as taking almost 12 months to complete, and they expect the game, entitled Riverwalk 3D, to become the new Guitar Hero.
Visit The Riverwalk was lucky enough to play with a beta version of the game, available this fall, and we can provide exclusive highlights, unlike local newspapers. Much like the Godless heathenry of Grand Theft Auto, which was based around popular hobbies in Austin, Riverwalk 3D provides a set of goals and experiences in three dimensions that enable the player to relive their real-life 3D experiences.
Riverboat Challenge
In this level, players can sit on a Riverboat and dodge “bird fall” while enjoying the riverboat commentary narrated by local celebrity Tommy Lee Jones. In more advanced levels, you can play the role of the driver, where you earn points by recalling Riverwalk history accurately. Extra points are accrued by avoiding bridges and entering your virtual guests with topical local jokes, such as the Asstech Theater.
Happy Hour Frenzy
This bonus level credits the player with 100 Riverwalk Dollars, and extra skill is needed to find the best Happy Hours along the river to combine maximum alcohol intake with the sort of value only found on the San Antonio (world famous) Riverwalk. A Buzz-o-meter appears on the screen, and the game is over if it drops below the blood alcohol level required to legally operate an automobile. Players can use the Nintendo Wii’s hand-held accelerometer (?) device to simulate real actual drunkenness, so stumbles, trips and impromptu fights buy you additional Riverwalk Dollars.
Mariachi Meltdown
Although in real life visitors enjoy our indigenous Mexican musical masterpieces by throwing them a dollar or so, the game version offers 10 minutes with either a chainsaw or flamethrower to carve or torch the authentically-dressed musicians into the next world. Hint: chainsaws are harder to use than flamethrowers since you have to be stood next to a Mariachi to use it, but their dismemberment is permanent, and if you aim for the instruments it prevents other musicians from picking them up or stealing them. While flamethrowers enable easy dispatching of our margarita-molesting maestros, they can then jump into the water to extinguish the flames, unless you use the weapon in front of an oncoming riverboat. Street vendors also provide extra points.
Alamo Attack
The game offers a multi-player mode where Riverwalk fans can attack the Alamo as a group. Remembering the Alamo is much easier for a group of Riverwalkers armed with rocket-propelled grenades, and there are additional Easter Eggs available in this section. It’s possible to combine this mode with the previous three levels, which adds to the fun of demolishing Texas’ most boring attraction while either driving a Riverboat, seeking happy hours, or mowing down mariachis.
San Antonio’s Riverwalk 3D will be available in the fall, presumably this year, and is only compatible with the Nintendo Wii. A motion stimulator version will be available in the Rivercenter Mall in the Spring of next fall. May God have mercy on our souls.
