Riverwalk Council Approves Safety Initiative
A Riverwalk Council study last year revealed an imminent danger on the Riverwalk, just feet beneath the feet of tourists, who were otherwise walking obliviously, enjoying the world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk. They would have been walking with an ice-cool Margarita in hand, made using the best tequila grown from the rare cactus only found on the Riverwalk, about to board a Riverboat when disaster could be strucken.
This overhead view, produced by the computer model, clearly shows the danger points near bridges where the river is slightly constricted:
In this technical study, a smiley face shows no sign of Riverboat inversion, whereas the lightning bolts show a 35% chance of ‘boatflip’, as it’s known in the fast-paced industry of driving boats at 2 mph. “It’s amazing disaster hasn’t stricken,” said Wendy Gerwurtrag, Manager of the River. “We should have been expecting every third boat to flip, so to not have a single incident in over 50 million rides can only be attributed to that Jesus loves us – and the Riverwalk.”
Disaster Unfolds: Our exclusive simulation.
To show you exactly how a boatflip would occur, and how much carnage would be created, we have hired USA Today Statistics Artist, Guy Flint, and Titanic Special Effects Director Jo Ling.
Stage 1:
(1) In this first alarming phase of the sideview, the Riverboat is gliding along peacefully, informing tourists of salient facts about the history of Texas’ greatest landmark. As they glide serenely, possibly enjoying an ice cream or soda along the world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk, little do they or their loved ones know that trouble lays just feet away, and serenity could be replaced by calamity.
(2) The narrowing of the river has caused a deep drop to form, causes depth to increase to as much as 4 feet. As water barrels through this sharp change in amplitude, eddies form and create rapidly-spinning water which looks calm on the surface, but can turn at up to 1000 rpm. Marine experts call this The Quickening - a natural occurrence at sea, but not a place for humans or a Riverwalk.
(3) As the eddies escape the trough, tiny waves are expelled at high speed forming sharp ridges in the riverbed, remininiscent of a heart beat line. As these grow, and poke out of the water, the unknowing Riverboat faces a potential landberg in the water, which threatens to breach its hull and causes tens of gallons of water to pour into the strickt vessel.
Stage 2:
(1) The front of the boat is sucked down in a powerful vortex, submerging the front 8 seats in almost 18 inches of water – any persons under 36 inches tall face immediate peril. At the high end, the Captain is lurched into the air, interrupting his scripted joke about J-Lo and Miss Congeniality, and is forced to take immediate action. But unbeknownest to him, this will be the last J-Lo joke he ever tells.
(2) A rare breed of Riverwalk goldfish, one of the few species to survive the 1000 spins a minute in the Riverwalk eddies, and well adjusted for life in the State’s most popular aquatic attraction, will all be crushed by the 18,000 pounds of pure Riverboat that will be spun relentlessly in their habitat. At this stage, all 40 passengers will likely have lost caps, cameras and other personal possessions, despite being afforded an excellent view of the now-closed Aztec Theater and providing the Aztec with record attendance.
(3) The spikes in the sea bed are swelled by the increasing amplitude of the struckked ship, and are rapidly approaching the water’s surface. Any trash on the river bed will be visible at this point, including shopping carts, hot dog stands and traffic cones.
Stage 3:
(1) In the final phase, the capsized barge in its completed boatflip remains helpless, pinning dozens of tourists against the seabed with only minutes of oxygen trapped in the upturned raft. Injured passengers leak blood, which quickly attracts the Texan Rivershark, usually only found in the swamp waters around Austin. Plump Riverwalk tourists, freshly fed with hotdogs and burritos, are no match for one of nature’s top predators.
(2) The riverbed spikes rise up and impale the stricky boat, and the raised debris impedes attempts by the Riverwalk’s Helicopter service to rescue trapped tourists. At this point the San Antonio Convention & Visitors Bureau may have to step in and declare a State Park Disaster, and consider handling a complicated issue – for which they have had years of training.
(3) Upstream, the river stagnates, with the boatflip demarking the shark-infested lost area of the narrows, and the beginning of a new life for shocked residents of the Riverwalk. Up to 65% of people may suffer depression without the endless cycling of Riverboats, and many more will be unable to cope when they learn Batman cannot help them. Alcohol sales would rise to levels not seen since the 2007 Fiesta, when there was a rumor that Eva Longoria-Parker was naked. Riverwalk experts have produced this artist sketch of how the Riverboat Captain may be transformed:
Remedial Safety Work
San Antonio is one of the fastest cities in responding to issues that threaten the Riverwalk. The $14 million study has shown that placing six 30-pound boulders in the river will fix the problem. Work will be completed by mid-September.
A spokesman from the San Antonio Convention & Visitors Bureau said they were relieved that no work would be required from them, and intended to join their friends at the Chamber of Commerce for a two o’clock ‘meeting’ at Zinc. He added that Riverboat Captains were all heroes.
