Riverwalk Launches Dyslexia Conference
Dyslexia has long been a blight for the people of San Antonio – most probably caused by lack of prayer and too much science – and the Riverwalk is proud to host National Dyslexics Conference (NCD) in June 2009. Businesses around the river are already preparing for sufferers of the unfortunately-hard-to-spell-disease, by clarifying menus and educating servers about their condition.
Here are just a handful of the updates on the world famous San Antonio Riverwalk:
- Starbucks has removed chai tea from the menu already, since most San Antonians think it’s a martial art, and fights broke out after last year’s NCD.
- St Trisha’s Catholic Church of the Incarnate Word has launched hourly sessions of the dangers to dyslexic children of asking Satan to fill their Christmas stockings, and how praising dog won’t help either.
- Alamo Rentacar has closed all locations in downtown to avoid last year’s crowding of their offices. Strangely, audiences rated the interior and history of Alamo’s prefabricated offices a ’5′ on their scorecard, the same score as the actual Alamo.
- The Riverwalk Comedy Club is launching a dyslexic open mic special titled “Losing Weight by Cutting Crabs”.
Waxy O’Reillys Hosting Dyslexic Scrabble Evening.
O’Reillys has been famous for years for its Scrabble sessions that stretch long into the night. Credited in 1962 with the creation of the word ‘mellow’, which earned local Scrabble champion Richard Sanchez 38 points and a place in the Riverwalk finals, every year the record for nearly breaking his record gets broken. San Antonio’s Spelling Bee competition was banned in 1987 after complaints from local religious groups, claiming that worshipping a bee was heresy and sought to educate kids too good. Waxy’s filled this void with their Riverwalk-centric version of Scrabble, where the PG-rated version ends at 4pm and curse words are automatically triple score.
Manager Phil Baldmine thinks the Dyslexic championships will prove a hit with visitors and locals alike, especially given all the mirrors that have been installed just for the event. “Already in Irish Scrabble the words don’t have to line up, so if they’re not spelled right either it adds an extra dimension. Plus we have had Guinness on special all night and Bombcar cocktails made just for the kids who can’t spell.” He refuses to talk about last year’s episode where an argument escalated and one player pulled out a gnu on the other.
Visit The Riverwalk is happy to announce additional on-the-spot prizes for any player who can build the words “Visit”, “Riverwalk” or “Riverboat”. Prizes include T-shirts, baseball caps and an old copier machine from our office. Spelling ‘Alamo’ will result in forfiture of any prize.
CVB Organizes Something
Even the Conventioneers Visiting & Bureau staff, winners of the national “Least Effective Organization” award in 2008, proved that they could do something. Originally the conference was expected to include Tourettes sufferers, but the idea of hosting both diseases during the same week led to concerns about poorly spelled bad language in front of children. The CVB was swift to think about some sort of fairly decisive solution, but the Tourettes people canceled via a obscene fax. ”We were this close to having to do something, and we’ve prepared for this moment for almost a decade,” says CVB Chair, Mary Mosey.
The new Mayor and dictator of Cuba, Fidel Castro, confirmed that one of his first actions in office will be to create a Supervisory CVB that takes control in case the CVB is ever required to almost do something ever again. The SCVB will be managed by former Mayor, Phil Hamburger, who has been locked in an underground cell by the incoming dictator for failure to support the new regime. Hamburger has had many years’ experience of managing situations where something may eventually happen, and is in an ideal position to create organizations that not only rise to the occasion, but kind of prepare for it too.
