Riverwalk Files for Chapter 11
The world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk, renowned for its bounty of quality restaurants, bars and ‘edu-tainment’, released some staggering news at the beginning of this week. On Monday, traditionally the first day of the week, Riverwalk workers were walking to their workplaces when the news broke. In a somber day as dark as the Great Riverwalk Flood in 1922, one employee said she felt “betrayed and angry” at the Riverwalk’s management.
Although the Riverwalk is mainly funded by the 50% Riverboat tax levied on its tour patrons, and had a healthy $156mm in assets in 2006, a combination of investment in subprime real estate, energy-based Ponzi funds and highly leveraged exotic derivatives has left the funds with a net deficit of $87 trillion. Creditors were quick to swoop in the early morning when demands for margin calls were not met, removing the water, towing the Riverboats and moving the mariachis and homeless into forced labor.
Tourists who were still on a Riverboat as it was towed to a off-river vehicle compound near the Riverwalk Center of the Texan Arts described the situation as surprising but remained upbeat, adding that it was still a better vacation than going to Austin.
Crisis Meeting of City Managers
The City filed for Chapter 11 on Saturday, although one senior official expressed anxiety at “reading that far into a book”, and hoped it would be a short chapter with lots of pictures. The Mayor’s Office suggested moving the chapter to an early part, such as 1 or 2 to aid future bankruptcy filings. While the CVB looked dumbfounded on their third bottle of wine at Zinc, the city’s bureaucracy announced a crisis meeting that was held at the Minger Hotel.
The Riverwalk’s founding fathers had left a sealed envelope that has remaining unopened for 140 years, precisely for this sort of emergency. Riverwalk Assistant Supervisory Officer Hector Martinez said they struggled to read the content in the low light levels of the Minger’s bar, but the letter apparently said something insulting in Spanish. An urgent post-meeting round-table group-up has been scheduled at the Mandalay Bay Hotel in Las Vegas tomorrow.
Concerns are mounting about the fate of the Alamo, which has been remembered by the creditors. The stone building, site of the 1880s Battle and the Haagen-Daaz ice cream stand, is predicted to be auctioned to Saudi real estate investors. High Prince Abdul-Sharif, owner of rival cities Dallas and Houston, plans to ship the historical relic to Dubai’s World Heritage Museum, and build a luxury apartment complex at its current site, complete with a spa and noodle parlor. Prince Sharif has promised to offer “irrestible Happy Hours” to compensate for the loss of the city’s most iconic landmark, second only to the Riverwalk itself.
“Crawling Back To Church”, admits Bar Owner
Father George Archstone approved the changing of the letters of the Riverwalk Baptist Church’s sign, the first time since the Spurs last NBA victory when the church reminded locals that basketballs are like the eyeballs of Satan. Known for his straight-talking mixture of scripture and armchair economics, Father Archstone spurned the Riverwalk’s main creditor, Goldman Sachs, by quoting directly from Deuteronomy 15:1-2 and Bill O’Reilly. The Church has warned the Riverwalk’s unsaved for years about their tendency to invest in credit default swaps, uncollaterized leveraged debt and offshore hedge fund instruments, though most recently has also been foreclosed upon after failing to sell the $750,000 condominiums built in its penthouse steeple.
But it’s not all bad news – enterpreneurs have filled the void created by the draining of the river and removal of riverboats, through the creation of Tom’s Walking Tours. Part-time historian and personal injury lawyer Tom Von Schnitzel has opened the Riverwalk’s first riverbed walking tour. Bringing history to life by wearing authentic 1880s clothes and talking like a gold prospector, tourists are advised to bring rubber boots and non-slip shower mats for a rootin’-tootin’ time. Rated by Rough Guides as “mildly unsettling”, $10 buys you a 1-hour tour of the Riverwalk and no-win no-fee coverage in case you twist an ankle. Each participant can also take home a mystery authentic riverbed collectable, which can range from an old traffic cone or shopping cart, to a lost cell phone or bicycle. For details, call 210-555-WALK.
UPDATE
The City’s Vegas meeting resulted in an unexpected reversal of fortunes, following a lucky roulette bet. The Riverwalk is now worth $87 trillion, erasing its previous debt and rendering Las Vegas’ strip completely bankrupt. Water has been restored to the Riverwalk, resulting in the unexpected death of Tom and his 15 walking tour guests. When asked what the city would do with its winfall, Riverwalk Mayor “Mad” Eddy Mitzberg said that no plans had been made but voters should have every confidence in legislature’s ability to piss away trillions of dollars.
