Riverwalk hotels deny "releasing Minotaur" on guests
One of San Antonio's many friendly concierges.
The San Antonio Riverwalk, beloved locally, regionally, domestically and globally, and bathed in praise by quality websites such as TripAdvisor (not the shoddy revenge letters like Rough Guides), is a shining beacon of glimmering customer service illuminating a very, very dark area in Southern Texas.
The beacon shines so brightly that sunglasses are recommended for all visitors, and many scientists predict it will provide nourishment for plant life when the sun eventually burns out in 2040.
The customer service is matched only by the intellectual might of the collective geniuses running the hotels on the Riverwalk, ensuring that guests have the best vacation or convening opportunity of their lives. As a group, they are so sharp that the Riverwalk Balloon Factory had to be moved north, and they have become a bedtime story for porcupines.
The sad demise of local newspapers
As such, VisitTheRiverwalk.com immediately reacted when the SExpress local newspaper published a so-called ‘expose’ on the way that hotels were increasing their profitability by preventing guests from leaving. By giving up its investigative journalism and attacking local hotels, the SExpress has taken another tumble down the hallowed ladder of reporting and landed firmly into an editorial cesspool that would make the creators of the printing press lament their invention, and the Founding Fathers haunt Obama to roll back the First Amendment.
“Best value hotels in the country.”
The SExpress charges that various named chain hotels had installed prison-like bars and barriers with scary images to prevent their guests leaving hotel bars or their rooms. They claim that secret recordings show collusion among managers, starting with simple plans to block emergency exits, leading to a grand scheme to defraud a 10,000-strong group of music teachers. The video shows one manager of The Dreary describing the teachers as “the dumbest bunch of f***** even to hold Visa cards”, and his plan to create a live hotel maze based upon a test that thwarted smart hamsters.
The degree-less journalist further alleged that the CPR (Capture Per Room in industry jargon) had skyrocketed in these colluding hotels, from a mere $186 per night to over $1,300. While the dollar leakage from guests is a common indicator of financial health in the service and hospitality business, the writer should have realized that CPR is measured to ensure value for visitors. Further he quotes one of the music teachers in question, who said this in a deposition:
“Door were locked and temporary walls were everywhere in the dark hallways. Susan was using packets of sugar from the room to leave tracks but every time we went back, it just led to the hotel bar and restaurant where we had to buy another Happy Hour round. When we demanded to see the manager, the bartender said a minotaur had been released and he couldn’t protect us outside the bar.”
One alleged "hotel trap"
The article published this picture, which shows a hotel lobby with bars across the windows, iron gates installed at exit points, and a warning sign at the far door that reads “Emergency Door Locked: $1000 Fine For Opening (Charged to Room)”. The photographer claims the doors led to “very good but expensive” round of margaritas.
However, another recent random guest said the hotels were the “best” value [in] “the” country, which in itself completely debases the SExpress’ story and this teacher’s unfounded remarks. The teacher has since been formally charged for stealing sugar from the room.
Come for the Riverwalk, stay for the Hotels
VisitTheRiverwalk.com is proud to endorse our fine selection of unique chain hotels, and reminds visitors to take the following safety precautions for their visit:
- Allow extra time: if you find yourself trapped in a hotel, this may be the opportunity to extend your stay and write a novel, while your children discover new friends in the corridors.
- Max out your credit card: credit cards are designed with travel in mind, and with so many bargains on the Riverwalk, you’d be batsh*t crazy to miss out. And hotels always release visitors with no credit left.
- Don’t forget because we won’t: don’t forget to write your honest, heartfelt, glowingly-positive reviews on fine websites like TripAdvisor. We remind all guests that we do collect their home addresses when they visit the Riverwalk, and think it would be a shame if something bad happened.
If a friend or loved one has not returned from a Riverwalk vacation, call 210-555-3000 to book your trip and discover the magic of the San Antonio Riverwalk.
