Riverwalk Spearheads Green Movement for Texas
If San Antonians are famous for one thing, it’s not just their generosity, warmth, heart and legal ability to secede from the union, but their commitment to all things ‘green’, by which we mean environmental. From dying the river green on St Paddy’s Day to shining green lights on the Alamo at Christmas, San Antonio uses every chance to thank Mother Earth and takes every opportunity to fix all the problems caused by neighboring towns such as Austin. Thankfully, the beautiful river that flows through our city, and its associated walk, enable True Texans to embrace the environmental movement and use some of the billions of dollars being sent from our East coast cousins.
Austin Disappears in Smog
San Antonians have warned our heathen neighbors for years about the dangers of combining live music, college education and pot, and recently the EPA announced Austin as the smoggiest city in the South. Austin Airport has been closed for several days in the last month due to the control tower being unable to see planes beyond their remarkably unremarkable skyline, and scores of local birds have been injured when flying into the indigenous bats, which are now the only winged things capable of navigating their filthy city. Their lack of concern about pollution has even “freaked the eek” out of the insect population, according to New Braunfels Pet Paleontologist Harman Crotch, who said that beetles had become “sh** scared of the city”.
San Antonio Steps Up To Green Challenge
President Obama, who is planning to come to San Antonio later this year after canceling a trip to Houston, said he plans to “literally shoehorn cash into the environment”, and feels that the Riverwalk is central to creating 80 million green jobs in the next 18 months. This exclusive Visit The Riverwalk journalistic piece shows some of the events and proposals that will drag the world-famous Riverwalk into the Jetsons-like future.
Green Awareness Events:
- Green Guinness at Waxy O’Reilly’s: owner-operator Mickey Shaunnessy intends, in his words, to make the Riverwalk “greener than a color-blind diarrheic leprechaun in a leaf shredder”, and promotes environmental awareness with all-new Green Guinness Happy Hours.
- Home Despot’s BBQ Course: sign up for the Lowe’s Environmental BBQ course, where ‘B’ stands for ‘barb’ – learn how to recycle the smoke from baby back ribs to help power your home’s A/C system or your car’s radio.
- Chyrsler’s Fuel Efficiency Event: our newly-bankrupt neighborhood company is demonstrating how to balance the needs of MPG versus not driving a tricycle – this interactive event enables participants to compare the blatant gayness of a Honda Prius with the babe-magnetty manlyness of a Ford F-150, the engine of which powers every Riverboat and could spank over a dozen tiny little hybrids while getting to second base with a Hummer.
- St Joseph’s Baptist Church Seminar: Father Barney Stone reminds the faithful that protecting the environment in this life won’t stop you burning in the eternal fires of damnation if you don’t pray to Jesus and stop the devil talk about sustainability.
Current “Green Riverwalk” proposals have been flooding from universities, think tanks, and groups of drunk CVB employees. The city has put together a “Project Oversight Committee” installed in the $600K apartments in the Hyatt, to consider the merits of each proposal, and is currently accepting Tweets from anyone who doesn’t work at the CVB. Here are some of the current candidates for environmental martyrdom.
#1 Solar Paneled Riverboat
Each Riverboat uses over 15 gallons of the oil derivative called gas while taking visitors on an unforgettable tour of the world-famous Riverwalk. By strapping solar panels to each boat and harnessing the power of our bright friend in the sky, so-called ‘solar power’ could assist the now-pedaling driver in pushing 40 guests in a circle. Solar panels: $50,000; Driver Gym Workout Program: $15,000; Saving the Environment: Priceless.
#2 Tidal Waterfall Installation
Another ingenious proposal is based around m c escher’s famous work, Riverwalk Waterfall, which clearly shows how installing a waterfall at one end of the river creates a natural flow for the rest of it. Incarnate Word student Sam Nutshell, who championed the novel idea, said she couldn’t understand why this idea wasn’t being used globally as a source of perpetual energy that would solved the energy problems for the whole universe forever. Riverboat would simply join at the base of the waterfall, glide in the water’s natural flow, and get unloaded before the drop.
#3 Horse-drawn Riverboats
While engines produce smoke, dirt and poison as their by-products, animals only produce manure, which can be used to grow mushrooms and the agave cacti used in most Riverwalk tequila. For centuries, people have use horses to move vehicles and in Henry Ford’s original first car, a small horse was installed under the hood, hence the term horsepower. Reintroducing the horses has the twin effect of moving the horse and carriage people away from the Alamo, and making the Riverboat a zero-emission experience. Current studies indicate that the horses would have to be on the Riverwalk pathway, rather that in the water, so the north walkway would be permanently closed to anything not on four legs.
Join The Riverwalk’s Green Campaign
We hope some of these ideas and the vendor-supported proposals on the Riverwalk will help you think about the environment and stop being so selfish. Environmental groups are appearing all over San Antonio in well-funded autonomous cells capable of independent campaigns – you must join one, and create a Happy Hour meet-up.
If you have any specific Enviro Mental ideas, please post them here and we will send the best ones to Washington with an empty truck for them to fill with money.
