San Antonio International Airport Visitors' Guide
If there’s one thing in San Antonio more important than tourism, it’s the Riverwalk – and if there’s one thing more important than drinking, it’s the airport, which is a portal enabling tourists to appear and disappear from our beautiful city.
The San Antonio International Airport, or SAIA as it’s known to Riverwalk residents, accepts planes from many countries including the United States and Mexico. Although terminal 2 is known for its stench of cheap tequila and the burrito stall that was closed by the Health Department, police are on hand in case illegals try to convince you to become a drug mule.
Getting To San Antonio International Airport
98% of Riverwalk residents never leave the world famous Riverwalk, but many are inconvenienced by visitors who require transport from the airport and are too lazy to complete the 18-mile walk in 100 degree weather. Road signage has been approved by the City so that a minimum IQ of 70 is all that’s needed to find the big tower that helps the big birds land. Special buses are available for the 30% of residents who do not meet this requirement.
Getting From San Antonio Int’l Airport to The Riverwalk
The Riverwalk Express is a 15-minute flight for tourists from San Antonio International Airport to the world famous Riverwalk. The $55 ticket includes a complementary margarita, sponsored by St Maria’s Church of Jesus for the Saved. The Riverwalk Express was created by local contemporary artist Juan Perez, after he attempted to reach the city by flapping his arms, and released most other locals were also probably too drunk to rationally get to downtown without getting arrested.
Finding your way around San Antonio Airport
Since there are only two terminals, city planners decided that signage was completely unneccessary. It’s a good idea to check in the day before since security lines can be long, especially during the 11am to 2pm lunch period, Fiesta, siesta or early morning up to 11am. Many airport staff only work until 2pm when Happy Hour begins at the Hooters on San Pedro, so flights after 2pm are always canceled. Liquids are no longer allowed to be carried through security, but 14 bars are available on the passenger side enabling refreshment before take-off.
Did you know?
- The term airport comes from the Latin aeroporto, which literally means to fly using a machine rather than your arms?
- The Riverwalk Express has the worst aviation record in history, and is described at the Smithsonian as “an embarrassment to human achievement”?
- A reverse happy hour is offered at many local bars, running from 9pm to 11pm, during the period when many locals are sleeping off the second drinking session of the day?
