San Antonio Zoo launches Riverwalk campaign
While Kung Fu Panda is clearly ridiculous, San Antonio Zoo has trained parakeets that can be rip the skin off a Rottweiler in 25 seconds. Entertainment correspondent Abigail Hoopbrow reports.
Apart from the world-famous Riverwalk, with its delightful boat rides, world-class bars, Tex-Mex restaurants, Happy Hours and great fake Irish pubs to watch the Spurs, there are relatively few things worth doing in San Antonio.
And don’t just take our word for it: comment cards from visitors indicate that Natural Caverns, Snake Farms and Austin all hold little attraction for our sophisticated visitor profile. But there are two activities that are constantly mentioned as “potentially interesting if I came back”: beating up hipster liberals in Austin, and visiting the San Antonio Zoo.
Although we’d all love to give the Austinites a run for their money, merciful Riverwalkers know that their majijuana-munching, Satan-soothing, demonically devious ways would be no match for two minutes with a knuckle-duster and a few rounds of sidewalk kicking. So consequently, the San Antonio Zoo is the next best option, and the only official one recognized by Visit The Riverwalk.
San Antonio Zoo: Rediscover The Animals™
Zoo Manager Sandra Tippett proudly announced the Zoo’s new campaign at last night’s tequila tasting at The Cardboard Cactus, just under the doomed Asstech Theater.
Sandra explains, “Rediscover The Animals places the visitor in a more interactive and hands-on environment with our most ferocious pets, and forces tourists to imagine what it’s like to come up-close to a Peruvian Land Tiger that generally sees the world as a confusing set of chew toys.”
Affectionately known in the zoo as a hairy little chainsaw, Tigra the tiger has some surprises in store: “It’s a real treat for guests to see the cold-bloodedness in its eyes, and wonder if you’re being considered for breakfast, lunch or a mid-morning snack.”
There are three thematic options available to visitors in San Antonio Zoo’s newest program:
- Run For Your Life Wednesday: Zoo staff will randomly open gates to one of the displays in the ‘big cat’ section, giving guests a chance to see – and potentially participate in – a midweek mauling.
- Snakes In Your Car Saturday: staff recommend leaving your sunroof open in the parking lot and see if they pick you. Imagine the fun when you reach for ‘Reverse’ and pick up a python’s head instead.
- Taze an Elephant Tuesday: giving visitors a chance to fight back, tazers will be distributed at the zoo entrance, in an attempt to answer the age-old question, ‘How many volts does it take Dumbo to fly?’.
Tickets can be purchased using an Internet , or at the San Antonio Airport stand staffed by volunteer old people. Nap sessions run from 11 to 2pm daily, with senile rantings available every 45 minutes.
San Antonio Zoo is accessible from the North End of the Riverwalk, and can be reached by boarding the number 6 Riverboat at 10:15 AM.
