San Antonio’s Riverwalk: Year in Review
The world famous Riverwalk, with its cascading waterfalls, pirouetting wildlife and illustrious fauna, is a source of hope and inspiration to millions of visitors every year. And 2009 was no different, as it continues to provide 1000% of the RDA of awesomeness that kicks away the crutches of life’s setbacks and says, “Tiny Tim, not only will you walk again, but you’ll dropkick cities like New Braunfels faster than Batman with itching powder trapped in his suit”.
Like so many of Tiger Woods’ illegitimate children know, it doesn’t matter if your father is ugly and your mother is a hooker, as along as there is plausible deniability and a billion dollars in the bank, you’re always welcome to stick your 9-iron where the sand wedge won’t fit. So without further ado, let’s review a year that was not divisable by three.
2009 In Review
Riverwalk natives, or Riverwalkers as they’re known to True Texans, look back proudly in the rear view mirror at 2009 as it recedes in the foggy distance of time, and peer down the hood at the promises of 2010 and Jack in The Box 99 cent taco specials.
Yet as every Riverboat captain and legal licensed driver knows, objects in the rear view mirror are always closer than they appear, so let’s take a few moments to put those things in perspective, realizing that anything we can’t read is probably backwards:
- San Antonio continues to be America’s ‘next big thing’. The Riverwalk is growing so quickly that it attracts new residents from this country and the next, threatening to dry up completely by 2015. When work on the Pearl Brewery extension starts next year, the shocking memories of the Sunset Station debacle will be washed away, hopefully with the smooth clean taste of Miller Lite.
- James Cameron’s Avatar, inspired by a dream the director had during a Star Wars convention on the Riverwalk, finally shows the glorious Riverwalk on celluloid in a way that Miss Congeneality completely failed to achieve. Incidentally, there are rumors that next year the restraining order to keep Sandra Bullock 250 feet away from a riverboat may be lifted and replaced with an upgraded 500 feet version.
- Swine Flu, which has been avoided locally by ensuring a constant blood alcohol level of at least 1%, has been officially identified as one of the ten plagues by the Riverwalk Baptist Church, following the mass outbreak of the fear of clowns in 2007. The spirit of manana which caused a shipment of vaccines never to arrive will be remembered at some point with a potential statue to replace the hideous red ribbon thing outside McDonald’s.
2009 Novelty Fashion Eyewear inventor Steven Perez confirmed that this will be the last year of the hit disposable glasses. Describing his success as a “good run since 2000″, he concluded that the market for one-eyed party revelers in the next decade was considered too small, and he intended to get out and enjoy his fortune.- Riverwalk Economist Ted Finkel recently produced a 2009 report concluding that while “it hit the fan” in many other states, especially the Prius-driving pot-smoking Democrats ones, the economic engine of San Antonio continues to hum along like a well-tuned monster truck.
As we approach the inevitable apocalypse of 2012, our thoughts on the Riverwalk will be turning to celebrations to rejoice in the cornucopia of great stuff the year has provided. And as we remember the fallen heroes of 2009, such as the musicians trapped in the Aztec Theater, we cast our gaze to the future in the eyes of the children who will be serving tomorrow’s Happy Hours and driving the riverboats of the next generation. Hopefully, they can figure out how to pay off all the money we pissed away this year.
Happy Christmas – or Feliz Navidad if it’s your birthday – and Happy New Year.
