“San Scare-tonio” Is Scream Capital for Halloween
Bowel-emptyingly scary
City officials are putting the finishing touches the this year’s Riverwalk Of Terror™ Halloween Celeb-scare-ations™. “We’re lifting the terror alert from last year’s light orange to this year’s blood red,” claimed self-admitted Scare Chief and butcherer of language, Tony Chavaz.
After an accidental fire at the ‘Alamoan’ event last year, caused when a terrified off-duty police officer tasered one of the Scare-ticians right in the wig, Chavez has promised to ratchet up the gore until there so much screaming coming from the Riverwalk you’d think Tony Parker had caught Eva Longeria getting 9-holed by Tiger Woods.
Julian Castro, the City’s child-like Mayor, has already declared a city-wide day of celebration citing Halloween as the “coolest holiday” next to Cinco de Mayo, which Visit The Riverwalk staff missed last year thinking it was some sort of food event. The Mayor’s advisers made the unusual public move of confirming that he will be allowed to stay up late on the Saturday before Halloween but will be expected to be in bed by 9pm on the Monday itself.
2011 Halloween Schedule
Saturday 29 October
Winner of the 2010 Costume Contest.
- Possessed Pumpkin Parade(from noon) presented by the San Antonio Current. Senior Editor and Parade Pump-tician (really?) Tommie Gonzalez enthused, “Despite the summer drought in Texas this year, we’ve got a spook-tacular line up of Vampiric vegetables!” She really should be stripped of her B.A. in Language & Gender Studies for that one.
- Tacos of Terror (all day): already known for its horrifying food, The Iron Cactus is theming up with blood-red tomato sauce and blood-curdling queso to get your juices flowing! They sound very similar to the Happy Hour tacos we were sick from last Saturday.
- Spine-chilling Celebrity Tombstone Tweetup (afternoon): insider sources tell us that all San Antonio celebrities are on call by the Mayor this Saturday. This will represent the only time that Tommy Lee Jones and Summer Glau will be present on the river at the same time. We’re hoping to find out why Summer Glau hasn’t responded to our numerous emails asking if Fox is renewing the Terminator thing. And maybe if she’d like to date a senior writer at a world-renowned website.
*Not* a costume
- The Phantom & Pirate Party at Pat O’Briens (from 9pm): back with the Howling Hurricane, the adverbial excess will be set to max as paired performers petrify and entertain gruesome guests with their hair-rising tunes. Stay until morbidly macabre midnight for Witching Hour specials, advises General Manager and Cobweb Reaper Pete Lopez. Does it really say that on his business card? Really? I feel like I’m getting Halloween Tourettes. Tombstone.
- Vampire Hunting and Soul Cleansing from 7am at Riverwalk Baptist. Last year the flock managed to impale several late night revelers who had slept off their hangovers on the Riverwalk and they hope to break their record again, giving extra focus to those in clown and werewolf costumes this year. Bring your make up for some extra grim RIP.
Sunday 30 October- Riverboat Ray’s Ghoulish Goblin Giveaway (from noon): experience the magic and mystery of the darker side of San Antonio’s open sewer system with extra treats for under 12s. Jack-o-lantern. Grave fright eyeball.
- Cloak clown. Clown. Casket on a clown. Cemetery. Chilling. Cackle. Cackling clown in a cape cemetery. Morbid clown. Cauldron. Creepy caped clown. Beyond the grave.
With so much frightful fun for the fearful family, there’s also a Nightmare NFL event at the Rock Hard Cafe where the Cowboys will cower before the eerie Eagles. No word yet on what demonic deals are headlining. Pitchfork. I can’t believe I gave up a job at Rolling Stone for this. Scarecrow.
Know of any nightmarish Halloween events we’ve not listed? Don’t be afraid! Send us an evil email to haunted-halloween@visittheriverwalk.com and we’ll add them to something. Enjoy your headstone this year exclusively on the wicked world famous revolting Riverwalk. Skull.
