The 2009 Riverwalk Who's Who
The world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk takes a dedicated team to manage, promote and glorify Texas’ most celebrated, admired and coveted tourist attraction. The seamless effort of the secret Riverwalk army remains invisible to most visitors, who only see the serene flowing of the Riverwalk – with its Riverboats, margarita specials and family fun – and not the dedicated crack team of elite professionals operating like omnipotent puppetmasters in ninja uniforms.
These masters of the Riverwalk live to further its well-deserved status as the world’s most popular walk along a river, and spend their time as guardians ready to pounce on any problem, person or issue that threatens to separate a conventioneer with a happy hour Bud Light. Capable of ripping the trunk off an elephant if it blocks tourists, and willing to use a duck as an oven mitt if they sense fajitas are burning, the Whose Who is a reverred list of people who most likely would be chosen as Disciples in the Next Coming™.
The Official Who’s Ho
#1: Restaurant Operator Renny Mushroom
In no particular order, number one goes to long time restaurant operator, friend, mother and father of the Riverwalk, Renny Mushroom. Starting his first Riverwalk adventure in 1962, Renny was one of the survivors in the tough times of the Gangs of The Riverwalk. Known to get excellent service by beating lazy employees, Renny knows that everyone speaks English if you shout at them loud enough.
Famously threatening to “spank a souffle” into rising, and the inventor of table side guacamole who described avocados as “pussies”, Renny maintains a reservoir in his restaurant to redirect the river if Mexicans ever attempt to take back the Alamo. Awarded the Keys To The Riverwalk in 2005 by Mayor Hamburger, Renny’s stare strikes fear into the hearts of the lazy, and generates excellence and premature aging in the minds of the scared. At 45 years old, Renny is expected to manage the Riverwalk for another 80 years.
#2: VisitTheRiverwalk.com Editor, Minton McKarkquey
Minton McKarkquey started VisitTheRiverwalk.com in 1982, long before the Internet even existed. Even though he has never used a computer, he remained committed to spending the city’s tourism budget until somebody would make it work.
As well as promoting the best of the Riverwalk to visitors, Minton spends his days teaching his children how to shoot 1800-era firearms and randomly field-stripping Riverboats. Notoriously scornful of the CVB, whom he says “you wouldn’t trust your kids with let alone an entire Riverwalk”, he has championed tourism and is frequently seen performing historically accurate reenactments of things on the river, such as 1800s San Antonians drinking beer as if they were here now. A true hero of the Riverwalk in every respect.
#3: SAPD Chief, Rick Martinez.
The inventor of the bicycle cop claims he was inspired by the 1980s classic, Robocop, in which a police officer is turned into a robot in order to save gas. As the gas crisis hit in 1990, Rick arrested scientists and university students in an attempt to have officers modified to avoid the need of automobiles on the Riverwalk, and to accurately pump round after round of .50 caliber Desert Eagle awesomeness into evildoers.
Though the technology was not as cutting edge as his brain was, he created the bicycle cop as a stop-gap until scientists stop moaning about intelligent design and start figuring out how to help police the Riverwalk. Bike cops to this day are awaiting their cybernetic upgrade, but for now have the slogan “Part Man, Part Bicycle, All Cop” despite trademark complaints from the film studio.
#4: Celebrity Tommy Lee Jones.
Tommy Lee Jones, a street fighter who grew up on the mean (off-Riverwalk) streets of San Antonio, fights tirelessly to promote Texas’ favorite tourist attraction. One of Hollywood’s most beloved stars and known for his performance in Batman & Robin and The Park is Mine, he championed the “Don’t Mess With Texas” campaign, which was toned down from his original suggestion of “Don’t F*** With Texas, A**hole”.
Tommy Lee Jones is one of the father’s of the Riverwalk, an additional child he wasn’t expecting but has gladly welcomed into his family like some sort of guilty secret from a night with a coked-up hooker who refused to use protection. No celebrity has done more for the Riverwalk, despite Sandra Bullock’s attempt to get free margaritas during the filming of Miss Congeniality.
#5: Father Peter Wabash, Riverwalk Baptist Church for the Saved™.
Famous for not mincing his words, Father Wabash has been a guiding force for the Riverwalk since his mis-trial in 1992. In his sermon “Die like a dog and go to hell” during the 2001 attempt of the city to sell the Riverwalk to the Spurs, he explained “Jesus will f*** your s*** up, m************”.
A champion of creationism, Father Wabash sponsored groups with delirious abandon to burn down museums, abortion clinics and other “scientists of Satan”, while always keeping a keen eye on potential conversions in visitors. The book and film-of-the-book The Exorcist was based upon his work in Austin to exorcise demons from drug-crazed rock bands, and he is renowned for his views on skullcaps. But Father Wabash has a keen sense of enjoying oneself at Happy Hour, and has become a Riverwalk fixture for blue jokes and mildly-racist banter. A true gentleman in every respect.
The Whose Who of the Riverwalk was sponsored by the Riverwalk Zoo and Jose’s Taco Stand, both of which now feature one half of duelling pianos on Monday evenings.
