The Riverwalk’s Got Talent!
Texas’ largest State Science Fair was held on the Riverwalk this week. Staff writer Maria Frimble sees what the kids – our future – have got to say, and therefore looks into the future.
When renowned R&B singer Whitney Houston, named after the 2nd favorite city in Texas, prophetically said “I believe children are our future”, little did she realize that she had captured the beliefs of so many on the world San Antonio Riverwalk.
An inspiration for many Texan artists, from Johnny Cash to Dr Dre, the Riverwalk Science Fair celebrates its 10th anniversary this year and continues its mission to teach science to our kids good. Started in 1998 by Reverend Father Hans Bishop from the Riverwalk Baptist Church, many of this year’s participants weren’t even born when it was launched, and may not have been born if their parents had attended biology class.
1st Place: Penny Hilton’s “Mexican Food Is Evil”
At only 8 years old, Penny wowed judges with her balanced combination of the biological and biblical, conclusively answering the age-old question of “What would Jesus eat?”. Father Bishop added “cum laude” to the award and has written a sermon for his performance this Sunday. “As we feast on the body and blood of Christ,” he explained, “It’s important to realize that our Lord wouldn’t touch a taco with a ten-foot crucifix.” Penny was thrilled with the prize of $100 in Riverwalk Gift Vouchers, and has promised a thorough analysis of other evil cuisines, such as British, French and Asian.
Science Fair Runners Up
Silver: “Foreign Oil Is Bad For American Cars” by Taylor Bradley
Taylor took samples of oil from Texas and some weird place in the Middle East and showed the inferiority of foreign oil and how it purposely destroys reliable American cars. “Asian oil comes from dinosaurs rotting in the Earth’s crust,” he explained “but Texan oil was created by Jesus and doesn’t come from dinosaurs that don’t exist.” Local Homeland Security officials have long agreed with Taylor’s proven conclusion that barrels of foreign oil are seeking to attack the United States.
Taylor produced a leaflet for attendees that showed the chemical identicalness between a dinosaur stool and foreign oil – passersby were intrigued to learn that both contained carbon and other elements used by Al Quada.
Riverboat operator Rio Rio de Paseo Del Rio sponsored this exhibit since all Riverboats are operated on oil pumped directly from refineries near the Pearl Brewery. Event co-sponsor Riverwalk Chevy awarded a 2009 Malibu convertible to the youngster who plans to frame it in his/her/its bedroom.
Bronze: “College Degrees Are Uneconomic” by Connor Reilly
Basic economics is at the heart of every Riverwalk Texan and everyone knows that prices going up makes demand go down and supply increase (decrease?). Connor took this basic economical law and applied it to a variety of different markets, including Rudi’s Riverwalk Barbecue, universal healthcare and a college degree from University of Texas.
Noting that a rack of ribs at Rudi’s was merely $5 – and has been since it’s grand opening on the Riverwalk in 1976 – yet the first year of college at UT costs $20,000, up from $5,000 in the same period, Connor shows how popular demand shows the economicity of Rudi’s and the comparative worthlessness of a UT degree. As for universal healthcare, his model shows how more people will try to get sick and how hard working Texans will be forced to pay for the healthcare of gay unemployed liberals on the Left Coast who contracted herpes from smoking marijuana.
“It’s a scientifical fact – prices drop when people want things,” Connor explains. “It’s like 99 cent Jack in the Box tacos. Nobody even wants a degree.”
If you’d like to participate in next year’s Riverwalk Science Fair – and you’re between 10 and 12 years old in November 2010 – call 210-555-FARE to book your place in this prestigious event today.
