'Today Show' on the Riverwalk: Hit or Miss? It's hit!
The Riverwalk was recently delighted to host NBC’s wildly successful show about today, the Today Show, and Neilsen viewer numbers confirm that this hour of television was nearly as popular as the women’s golf bronze semi-final at the 1992 Olympics. NBC was initially hesitant to host the show, following dismal ratings after its appearance in Austin in 2004, which almost caused the entire season to be canceled and existing tapes seized by DEA officers.
After an subsequent swine-flu scare, where 2 local school children were nearly sent home from school due to sneezing, the Today Show committed to July 29 despite being denied filming permits by the City due to a last-minute paperwork problem. City Permit Office Assistant Marissa Juarez later apologized for the permit denial: “We thought the application was for building a new restaurant, where we routinely deny plumbing, electrical, HVAC and fire inspections. Normally we don’t end up on TV so we feel pretty stupid.” The show was fined $80,000 for filming without permits after the Historical Association stepped in.
Gifford: “Older than I thought.”
Hosted in the center of the Riverwalk at the Arneson River Theater with ample concrete seating for 2,000 local guests, Fiesta organizer Jesus Vega arrived at 7am to fight for a seat near the front. A long-time viewer of the show and frequent fantasizer of Kathie Lee Gifford, Vega was surprised at how much older she looked in person: “The makeup made her kind of orange – it was like looking at a prune coated in turmeric left out in the sun”. He has since promised to upgrade his personal celebrity photo collection with soft-core pictures of local celebrity Summer Glau, who was previously #2 in his shoebox.
Texas Cultures Institute Manager Christina Ortega agreed that Gifford and co-host Hoda Knob (?) were “too senior” for the irresponsible quantity of margaritas and mariachi-baiting that took place the night before, noting that – in addition to the obvious hangover they both sported – mariarchis had even followed them to the river the next morning. “A younger person would have known not to responded to the mariarchis’ mindless squawking Mexican music,” she complained. “The Today Show shows up for 24 hours and leaves the Riverwalk to clean up the musical mess for months.” Ms Ortega said that Matt Lauer, with his youthful looks and clean image, would not have made such a naive error, possibly using the instruments against the mariachis to keep them contained in Market Square.
A Fun-Packed Today Show Schedule
Promising to break through stereotypes of Texas, the Today Show created a schedule of events that showed the uniquely character of San Antonio and the Riverwalk, including:
- “This is San Antonio!” Aging hosts Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Something arrived by Riverboat, featuring a compressed one-minute bite-sized history by the driver.
- Mariarchis and Dancers arrive: licensed mariarchis serenaded the most beautiful latina dancers we could find, and at least 80% of them showed up for work.
- Souvenirs: a 5-minute segment show-cased the dynamic range of tourist souvenirs available, including quality apparel, postcards and margarita glass collectables.
- Everything’s Bigger in Texas! Sponsored by Riverwalk Ford, supersized F-150s were used to drag Shamu from the SeaWorld stadium to the Riverwalk, where Rodeo superstar Jack Hammer rode “the beast” upstream to the Pearl Brewery to enjoy a smooth Shiner Buck while his colleagues hunted the ever-smiling fish.
- Fun Texas Animals! Although the city installed glue traps around the Riverwalk to prevent uninvited roaches and crickets from gatecrashing the Today Show, San Antonio Zookeeper Harvey Gomez promoted the Zoo’s ‘Run For Your Life’ Tuesday’s by bringing its featured pests to the small screen. Rattlesnakes and poisonous chipmunks caused Gifford to visibly soil herself as they battled to an inevitable lizzard-centric victory.
But the highlight of the morning agenda was the Texas Fashion Show, where Riverwalk clothing designers showed why the manly cry of belt-buckles, boots and ten-gallon hats can be heard all the way from Corpus Christi. One observer commented that after intimidating the “clearly gay” TV producers from New York, Gifford was so impressed that she could be seen trembling with an after-show iced tea, which apparently had a unmistakable alcoholic odor.
