UFO sightings reported by Riverwalk tourists
The world-famous San Antonio Riverwalk appears to be even more popular than previously thought, potentially drawing fans from this solar system or maybe even further, according to an official report by the San Antonio UFO Association released today. The Riverwalk’s Convention & Visitors Bureau was “baffled” according to then-director Chuck Chavez, who said their market research had no idea how flyers and brochures escaped our planet, and speculated that the aliens may have been one of the few people actually visiting their website.
One thing is for sure (apart from the fact that visitors love the Riverwalk): UFO sightings have steadily been on the increase since 2004, and the virtual guarantee of having an out-of-the-world encounter provides yet another reason for tourists to extend their trips on the Riverwalk. Extra-terrestrial visitors seem to have announced their intention to keep returning to the Riverwalk, much like their distant Texan cousins, with a crop circle that appeared over a period of several nights in a cornfield near the vowel-happy city of Austin.
Aliens Think Austin is Weird
The so-called Rio Del Rio Crop Circle is one of the largest ever recorded in the United States – stretching over 500 feet wide, it’s visible most clearly on Google Maps. While many have struggled to understand the meaning of crop circles over the years, UFO experts from the University of Texas Paranormal Unit agree that this provides a clear message.
UTPU Professor Ming Cha explains: “The alien symbol, the money and the icon of a human talking all indicate that our alien visitors like to spend their money listening to the sound of people. The center circle shows a riverboat quite clearly, so we think the message is that aliens like spending money on the Riverwalk listening to music – probably mariachis or Cul Jizzum’s Jazz House. Still, the human ‘speech’ icon may be the tip of a margarita glass instead, indicating that they enjoy nothing more than happy hour on the Riverwalk.” He reflects upon that thought and adds: “The Alamo is also conspicuously absent in their art, maybe because it’s boring or irrelevant to their culture.”
And what does the Professor feel about this circle appearing in Austin rather than San Antonio? “Clearly the aliens would be wasting their time explaining this to locals from the Riverwalk, since we all know how popular it is – the placement obviously indicates they don’t like Austin, and are trying to encourage Austinites to go to the Riverwalk.” While Austin has prided itself on being ‘weird’ for years, probably as a pot-induced typo of the magazine Wired, many observers agree that it’s a major slap in the face when aliens decide your city is too weird for them.
The Riverwalk: Universal Appeal
The news of increasing sightings of our out-of-town friends has caused numerous rumors, all of which we have confirmed. Director of the movie ‘E.T.’, Steven Spielberg, is apparently approving a script for a sequel, most like to be set in San Antonio. Well known for loving the Riverwalk, scheduling conflicts prevented many of his recent films from being located here, although Schindler’s List was planned to be filmed in Alamo Heights, and San Antonio Zoo was rumored to provide the locale for Jurassic Park 3. Given all the recent news, we suspect War of The Worlds II might well be in production on the Riverwalk early next year.
Bars and restaurants have relaxed their carding policies in a move approved by the Texas Alcohol Agency (TABC), allowing out-of-state, international and interplanetary IDs to be accepted as proof of age. Although physicists agree than any alien visitor is almost certainly several hundred years old, local enforcement officials wanted to make sure and prevent industruous underage rednecks from taking advantage of the policy.
As talk of aliens spreads throughout the town, and is now included on the world-famous Riverboat history tour, locals have been catching up at their own pace. Riverwalk bar owner Larry Petersen said he regularly chases people all the way home who ‘forget’ to pay their tabs: “I don’t care whether you’re from 281 and Hilbebrand or from the third moon of the Centaurus nebula – if your Mastercard doesn’t swipe, I’ll be coming for you.” However, on a more charitable note, he is concerned about stereotyping our pointy-ear green friends before really knowing them.
Send your stories of alien abduction and rectal probing to info@visittheriverwalk.com for the chance to win a free copy of former-Mayor Hamburger’s new book “Aliens of the Riverwalk”, published by D-Press.
