Vandals attempt to sell Riverwalk on eBay
Vandals sparked one of the largest manhunts in Riverwalk history on Tuesday when a blind moment of recklessness caused the biggest panic since the Taco shortage of 1977. “Simply outrageous,” was the response of long-term friend of the Riverwalk, Mayor Hamburger, adding, “This kind of blatent abuse of eBay will not be tolerated.”
The prank, staged by an eBayer only known as austin_lover, took a serious turn for the even more serious when bids started coming in. “We tried to get eBay to pull the plug,” explained exasperated Convention & Visitors Bureau (CVB) I.T. Expert Susan Shivers, “But then the next thing we knew we were selling the Riverwalk for $2.50. So we did the next best thing and started bidding.” Very quickly a bidding war was heating up, with neither side noticing the Buy It Now price of $359.99, and very soon city officials were crying like a bank without a bailout. Describing the desperate and disheartening scene, resident spiritual artist Kathy Muncher trasmitted: “I felt like a Riverboat without a passenger. Or a River Taxi with a passenger. Either way, I felt.”
Riverwalk Eviction Notices Sent.
The seller used a little-known loophole in the law that dates back to the creation of the Riverwalk in 1870, giving residents of the King William district the right to secede from the river. City lawyers tried to attain injunctions in time, but most of the courthouse was enjoying Happy Hour by the time action needed to be taken. Winning bidder bargains_TX had already arranged diggers to arrive, and shops and bars that had been established for years were being issued eviction notices, while ducks were being shot on sight.
When the city reached out to the Federal government for help, even President Obama refused to get involved, stating it was a matter for the rule of law and the Riverwalk was simply not losing billions of dollars. With eBay expecting to make at least $18 from the transaction, and the city not wishing to risk an Unpaid Item Strike with the world’s largest online auction, bargains_TX announced his intention to legalize gambling and prostitution on the river, renaming the zone VegasWalk. Although consultants were quick to show how this concept could raise $8.3 terra-billion in taxes, Governor Rick Perry said he was not interested in making money under any circumstances.
By 3pm, City Manager Justin Moss immediately halted all Riverboats and mobilized the city’s defences: River police boats were seen driving round and round the river at high speed, occasionally stopping for Starbucks. For several hours, the Riverwalk was at the highest level of alert it has ever been – Yellow – as the winning bid was finalized on PayPal.
Riverwalk’s New Owner Gets Owned.
Just as all hope was lost and Riverwalk businesses started setting fire to their properties and looting souvenir shops, an amazing stroke of luck befell the beloved Riverwalk. As we were stuffing $1 souvenirs from the Five And Dime into our backpacks and trashing the napkin holders at McDonalds, we were called back to our offices to report the news.
New owner bargains_TX had reportedly been unaware of the $8 million needed to clean up the river’s water supply, follow poisoning complaints from as far as Hawaii. The issue had not been public knowledge due to the paperwork being lost on the Convention & Visitors’ Bureau communal desk for six months. CVB spokeswoman Sally Maher excused: “We’re used to suppressing bad news and negative feedback from the city, and quite frankly we’re busy deterring conventions most of the time.”
Bargains_TX attempted to cancel the eBay auction but eBay refused, forcing him to relist the item. While he received a reduced 15-cent listing fee, the city bought back the Riverwalk for just $45 and actually made money on the transaction. Mayor Hamburger, renowned for nodding endlessly in press conferences like one of those plastic dogs in the back of cars, praised everyone involved, highlighting that “if it takes the manpower of 200 people to make $300, then it’s worth it”.
Update: we have 50 Riverwalk T-Shirts (the black ones that say “Riverwalk At Night”) and 32 Texas license plates, as well as several hundred post cards available, which we will be listing on eBay. If anyone from Five And Dime is reading, we’ve already told you we bought these already.
